Of Sneezes and Weasels
by Mitsukai
Summary: What do Itachi and Temari have in common? Not much, other than psychotic younger brothers, an affinity for fans, and something to do with weasels. But maybe that's all a relationship needs. ItaTema.
1. Of Introductions and Picnics

_**Of Sneezes and Weasels**_

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Naruto. Hence the term FANfiction, meaning it was written by FANs, which means that I don't own it since I'm technically a FAN. Yeah...

**Author's Note: **Oh, boy, my first multi-chapter fic! Woot! This is a pure crack pairing, but I just can't help but keep thinking that Temari and Itachi are an awesome couple. Even if they never converse in the series...but whatever. Anyhow, this is _also _my first attempt at humor instead of my stupid romances, so it may not be completely hilarious like you might expect, so yeah. Um...OOC-ness might occur, especially on Itachi's part. It's hard to write in character when the character you're writing about has just about no personality whatsoever. Temari, on the other hand...I might've written her a _bit _happy-go-lucky-ish. About the title...read to find out.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter One: Of Introductions and Picnics**

The man stared at the young couple in contempt. He had not expected things to end up as they were.

Uchiha Itachi slaughtered his clan with one thought in his mind- that they were pathetic. This was the whole reason he massacred his own family: to later replenish the Uchiha clan's lost and forgotten power and to eliminate their weak and useless. Of course, that was also the reason he left his younger brother alive since he believed the boy had potential, a good trait for their future descendants.

Nevertheless, despite his faith in Sasuke, he didn't foresee that his brother would end up trying to revive their clan with such a weak kunoichi. After all, the girl had no particular talent that he could detect, and she had naturally pink hair. _Pink_. He would not allow their descendants to have _pink_ hair. He shivered at the idea, but then stopped. It could have been worse. The boy could have ended up _gay_. Itachi began shivering again.

Suddenly remembering that he was stalking his little brother and his girlfriend instead of going after the Kyuubi like he was supposed to, Itachi leapt from his perch and not-so-casually strolled to the cheap hotel he and Kisame were staying at.

"Oi, Itachi-san, were you stalking your little bro again?" the shark-like man asked lazily as the man in question entered, lounging on the only chair provided in their room.

The Uchiha didn't reply, instead toying with the small bells on his straw hat, deep in thought.

"You really should stop doing that," Kisame went on, referring to his partner's stalking habits and ignoring his partner's lack of interest. "You're risking getting discovered."

"Hn. I'm going out for a walk." And thus, Itachi left as quickly as he had arrived.

Kisame shouted after his already-gone partner, "Just stay out of everyone's sight!"

Itachi, having exited the inn by then, was unable to hear, therefore also being unable to reply, which meant he was unable to whack Kisame for thinking he was so incompetent as to be caught by the enemy. In shorter words, Itachi didn't answer back.

Trudging in the shadows of buildings and trees, looking as inconspicuous as a man in the telltale Akatsuki attire could, Itachi observed the villagers below him who were scurrying about Konohagakure. The fools.

Glancing around the streets, he recognized several faces from previous encounters. There, walking into a bookstore, was Hatake Kakashi, and sitting together outside a tea house were Yuuhi Kurenai and Sarutobi Asuma. He noticed his target, Uzumaki Naruto, walking with the pink-haired girl his brother was currently dating. Haruno Sakura...even her name was lacking.

Averting his gaze to the next pair in the streets, Itachi saw Nara Shikamaru, the man who had defeated Hidan, and an older blond girl with smooth, suntanned skin accompanying the shadow manipulator. What intrigued him about this new person was that she had what appeared to be a very large fan strapped to her back and her Suna forehead protector. Apparently a Sand kunoichi on a diplomatic mission, the girl held her head high with dignity, indicating an awareness of her probably superior status.

The reason Sasuke hadn't chosen someone like this unnamed girl over Sakura was lost to Itachi. The Sand kunoichi seemingly had strength (he sensed an impressive amount of chakra from her), was probably of at least jounin level, and was strikingly beautiful. The pink-haired love interest of his brother, on the other hand, was only strong when she used her chakra attacks, had just average chakra reserves, was only a chuunin, and had _pink_ hair. Well…Sakura was rather pretty, despite her abominable hair color, but Itachi would never admit that Sasuke had a good taste in women.

Itachi looked away, focusing on the Kyuubi container once more to distract himself from his slightly disturbing thoughts. He wondered how the hyperactive, blond teenager could possibly have the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the nine-tailed fox, at bay inside of him. He was probably the last person anyone would expect to have the most powerful of the nine demon lords sealed within their body.

The seventeen year-old he had to watch was currently with his girlfriend, the Hyuuga heiress, at the Ichiraku Ramen Shop, stuffing the unhealthy noodles in his face. Still cloaked by shadows, the Akatsuki member moved closer to the pair and listened in on their conversation.

"Naruto-kun, you shouldn't eat so fast. You're going to choke," the girl said softly.

As if he were waiting for her permission or cue, Naruto began choking. Swallowing the noodles, he replied with a sheepish grin, "Sorry, Hinata-chan," and began eating again. Ironically (or was it stupidly?), he was eating at his previous pace, clearly having not learned his lesson.

The dark-haired girl shook her head, but let out a small giggle that betrayed the original emotion she was trying to portray. Giving up her attempt to look annoyed at the blonde, she kissed him on the cheek. At this point, Itachi had turned away from his target, deciding that retrieving the blond teen would be an easy enough task to accomplish.

Upon the realization that he had absolutely nothing to do, he decided walking aimlessly around his former village would hopefully compensate for his boredom. Once again pondering how Sasuke had ended up falling for a girl with _pink_ hair, the elder of the Uchiha brothers lost himself in his thought. He completely forgot about remaining hidden when…

_SLAM!_

The prodigy ran into someone who was slightly shorter than him, and they both fell somewhat ungracefully onto their butts.

"Ow!" a female voice exclaimed. Itachi looked to see that he had bumped into the blond girl from earlier. She had an agitated expression on her face. "Ugh… _This_ is why I don't like the layout of Konoha…too many random turns," she muttered to herself.

After mumbling an incoherent apology to her, he said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity."

"I suppose you would know from experience," she retorted, glowering.

"Hn."

"Sorry about walking into you. I'm Temari."

"Itachi."

"Bless you." His eyebrow twitched slightly.

"No, my name's Itachi."

"Your name means 'weasel'?"

He gave a stiff nod.

"Your parents must not have liked you very much to name you 'weasel'." Itachi didn't know how to take this. She continued thoughtfully, "But, then again, my little bro's name means 'self-loving carnage' so yours isn't _that _bad."

He scowled. This girl who he had estimated to be two years younger than him was insulting his _name_.

"My name isn't that one that means soy sauce," he said condescendingly.

"Hey! It's _Temari_, not _Tamari_!" she objected, placing her hands on her hips in a defiant manner. ((A/N: Tamari is a type of Japanese soy sauce.))

"Whatever." His indifference evident, he began to return to the hotel.

"Wait!" Temari ran up to block his path. "Weasel-san, you're a missing-nin?" She was glancing at his forehead protector with the indicative slash through the Konoha leaf symbol.

He glowered at the blonde's new name for him. "It's Itachi. And yes, I am. Now go away." Itachi began glaring at her, hopefully into submission.

She grinned. "Don't bother with the evil deathglares because my little brother has the evilest glare _ever_, so whatever you throw at me is pretty useless."

With an inward and unheard groan, he tried to continue his lethargic trek back to the inn. He almost grinned when he noticed she wasn't following him. _Almost_.

Contradicting his earlier thoughts, the female in question shouted after him, "Oi, Weasel-san!"

"What?" he asked with increasing impatience.

She smirked at the nukenin's exasperation. "Well…since you and I are both obviously ninja and you seem to have nothing to do or look forward to from the way you were talking…I wanted to ask if you would train with me."

Training with her? That insufferable girl? Well…he _was_ admiring her earlier, so it might not be _too _bad, even if she was an extremely annoying kunoichi.

"…Fine…" he finally answered her, albeit a bit reluctantly.

"Perfect! Meet me at the gate." With that, she left a somewhat speechless Itachi. Had he really just accepted to train a girl he had just met?

As Itachi entered the hotel room, Kisame discerned his partner's thoughtful and vaguely troubled expression. "What's up?"

"Hn."

"You have your thinking face on. Something's up. Care to share?"

"No."

"Jeez, it's not like you were rejected by some hot babe. You probably wouldn't even bother _talking _to some hot babe." As the man with shark features said this, Itachi gave him a glare.

"No…"

"No? No what? No, you weren't rejected by some hot babe? Or no, you actually talked to some hot babe? Kami, _did _you talk to some hot babe?!" Kisame threw question after question at the Uchiha.

Eyebrow twitching once more, the Sharingan master calmly stated in his deadliest voice, "No, I was not rejected," thus effectively shutting up his partner.

Not taking the threatening hint, the shark-man persisted, "So...you _talked _to some _hot babe_?!!"

"Talked, yes. 'Hot babe'…sort of." The prodigy was not yet ready to admit that he had just met and spoke with a rather pretty girl.

Kisame stared in complete disbelief. "You're kidding…right?"

"Hn."

And that's how Hoshigaki Kisame died of a heart attack. Just kidding, he only went into a state of shock.

"I'm going to sleep now," Itachi informed his unmoving teammate.

The shark-like man mutely nodded, a stunned look in his eye and a belief that it was the apocalypse etched into his mind.

_

* * *

_

The next morning, before Kisame recovered from his previous shock and pestered him with stupid questions, Itachi left the hotel in search of Temari. Why? Because he had nothing better to do other than to wander aimlessly again. And look how that turned out.

Sighing, he promised to himself to make this training session quick. He didn't want to waste time playing ninja with the blond kunoichi who wasn't even from the village.

"Oi, Weasel-san!" called out a voice that was becoming more and more familiar. Temari ran up from behind him. "You came!"

"You sound surprised."

She shrugged. "I thought you didn't like me."

"I don't…but I like my partner even less." It was true; Itachi had a strong dislike for Kisame and his prying questions.

"Ah… It must suck to be you."

He thought 'Hell, yeah!' but said instead, "Hn."

"I'll take your word for it."

Itachi glared at the blonde. "Let's get this over with."

"Whatever you say, Weasel-san."

"Itachi."

"Bless you."

He glared some more. The kunoichi smiled innocently. Teal orbs met onyx. Together, the unlikely pair walked to the training grounds.

Along the way, Temari tried to make small talk with the Akatsuki. "So, Weasel-san, what sort of techniques do you use?"

Now, Itachi, not wanting to give away his identity, could not reveal his Sharingan and ancestry, so he would have to make up something else. "Fire."

She nodded. "That makes sense." And it should. After all, he was a former Leaf shinobi of the _Fire_ Country, so it's only logical that he should have some _fire _attacks in his arsenal. Continuing her attempt at intelligent conversation, the girl said, "I use wind." Okay, maybe not _so _intelligent.

"Hn."

Observing how he seemed to be trying to stay concealed from all others' eyes, she inquired, "Why are you hiding?" He gave her a look, and she laughed at her accidental silliness. "Oh, right. Missing Leaf nin in Leaf Village. Got it."

He glared at her. She glared back. They had a glaring contest. _But_ they were interrupted by their arrival at the training grounds.

Temari broke off from his gaze and announced in a singsong voice, "We're here!"

"I can see that," Itachi muttered. The Suna nin ignored his rude comment, pulling her supposed fan from the sash that bound it to her back. In one swift movement, she unfolded it, revealing that it was, indeed, a fan. A very large, iron fan.

"Ready?" he asked.

She replied with a smirk, "I should be asking you the same thing, Weasel-san."

If she was expecting a response, then she had been sorely disappointed since Uchiha Itachi is never betrayed by his emotions. Or something along those lines.

"Hn. _Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu _(Fire Release: Grand Fireball Technique)," he said, beginning their sparring.

Temari dodged the giant fireball by leaping to the side. The Uchiha wasn't impressed. She cried out, "_Kamaitachi no Jutsu _(Cutting Whirlwind Technique)!" and waved her fan, creating a huge gust of wind.

He simply sidestepped the otherwise dangerous technique. Noticing the immense damage her jutsu did to the trees he had just been standing in front of, Itachi made a mental note to stay out of the way of her attacks.

"Not bad…if you were still a genin," he mocked her…at least it looked like he did. Hard to tell when he always talked with an emotionless tone.

"I'll show you a real weasel, Weasel-san," she sneered, angered by Itachi's disregard. Biting her thumb, the blonde smeared a line of blood down her fan. "_Kuchiyose no Jutsu_ (Summoning Technique)!" She summoned a human-sized, scythe-wielding weasel that wore an eye patch. Temari announced her attack, "_Kuchiyose: Kirikiri Mai_ (Summoning: Quick Beheading Dance)!"

The weasel flew forward, wildly swinging its scythe, thus causing absolute chaos. An entire section of the forest fell, and dust flew. Once the clouds had settled, Temari peered at where the man had been standing earlier. He wasn't there.

"Oi, Weasel-san. You're not that bad." She swung her fan again, performing her _Kamaitachi no Jutsu_, in the direction where Itachi was hiding. "But neither am I."

"Modest, I see," the missing-nin scoffed.

"I know." He couldn't help but roll his eyes at her arrogant statement.

"Your vanity surpasses all."

"Thank you." She blew another slicing wind at him. He dodged again.

Temari narrowed her eyes at the Akatsuki member. The blonde could easily tell that he was holding back, but she didn't know why. Maybe a little taunting would help… "You actually going to fight me anytime soon?"

"Perhaps…if you wish to die."

"Cocky bastard," she muttered, throwing another futile attack at him.

"Hn." This girl intrigued him. True, she was most definitely not as strong as he was, but she was more powerful than the majority of the other kunoichi he had fought before. After all, she had just leveled an immense portion of the forest.

"Yeah, that's right!"

He had no reply to that. Not because it was a good comeback, but it made absolutely no sense as a response to his 'hn.'

"Kamatari!" she called to her weasel. "_Kirikiri Mai_!" The small mammal lunged again, slashing with its scythe, decimating the surrounding forest. Yet again, the Uchiha easily dodged.

"Stay still!" she yelled at him.

Itachi raised an inquisitive eyebrow. He asked, "Do you really expect me to listen to you?"

"No…" she admitted before waving her fan once again in his direction. This time, however, she shouted, "_Daikamaitachi no Jutsu _(Great Cutting Whirlwind Technique)!" Much like her earlier jutsu, this was basically a gust that slashed at her opponent, but this one was significantly stronger and more powerful. Still, Itachi, being Itachi, was able to avoid the attack without the slightest bit of effort.

He had found her weakness long ago- she depended too much on that fan- but the Uchiha hadn't acted upon it until now. Using the _Shunshin no Jutsu_ (Body Flicker Technique), he 'teleported' behind the girl.

She quickly turned to face him, a surprised expression gracing her tanned face, and swung at him with her now-folded fan in an attempt to hit the shinobi. Like he had predicted, she wasn't much of a taijutsu user, preferring long distance ninjutsu attacks. Taking advantage of this, Itachi kicked her in the stomach with a great force, knocking the wind out of her and slamming the blonde into a tree.

The breathless girl gasped at the pain, doubling over and clutching her stomach. "Ow…Weasel-san, I think you won."

"You don't seem too surprised." He offered Temari his hand. She grabbed it and pulled herself up, subsequently tying her fan securely to her back once more.

"Should I be?"

The usually impassive nin paused to contemplate the thought. "I suppose not." He was surprised at his own words. Was he, the man who killed his own clan without a second thought, making casual conversation? With a foreign girl, nonetheless? Hm…the world works in mysterious ways.

"Do you want to go for a break?" she asked. "We can stop by a teahouse."

"I'd rather not." Now, that wasn't entirely true, Itachi would never acknowledge his growing fondness for the kunoichi and want for her company.

"Oh, yeah. Missing-nin. I keep forgetting about that…" she said, feeling a bit sheepish, but misunderstanding the meaning of the older man's words. "Well…I guess we could make it sort of a picnic type thing."

"Picnic?" he repeated flatly, but with disbelief evident in his voice.

"Yeah!" she said enthusiastically. "Stay right here. I'll go buy some sandwiches and drinks and stuff." Without another word, Temari ran off to do as she had proposed, leaving a certain missing-nin confused and dubious in the middle of the training area.

In only fifteen minutes, she returned with a large bag filled with sandwiches, bottles of some fruit juice, and bags of chips among many other things.

Itachi asked curiously, "Is all this necessary?"

She gave a shrug in response. "I didn't know how much you ate or how hungry you were."

And so they ate.

* * *

The blonde sighed in satisfaction. "I am full!" she exclaimed her content, laying back lazily on the ground. 

"Hn."

"Do you ever say anything other than 'hn' all the time? Seriously, my brother says it, that Uchiha kid says it," he grimaced when she mentioned Sasuke, "the Hyuuga guy says it… And they all act like you! Just say something else!"

Smirking maliciously, the prodigy gave his usual response to the kunoichi. "Hn."

She threw her hands up in resignation, but not before throwing a random pickle from their picnic at him. Unfortunately for him, the missing-nin was caught off guard and the pickle connected with his forehead. He scowled and tossed it back.

The pickle hit Temari in the chest. The Suna nin stared at him with an open mouth and shock in her teal eyes. "Oh, it's on, Weasel-san," she finally said with an evil grin.

"Bring it."

So she did.

They spent the next thirty minutes or so chucking random leftover food items at each other, eventually moving on to dirt clods. Neither dodged, instead occupying themselves with hurling as many objects as they could.

After being hit by an enormous dirt lump in the face, the blonde leapt forward onto Itachi, smearing mud all over his own face, his long black hair, and the cloak that he refused to remove.

"Hah!" she shouted triumphantly. "Take that!"

Still having soil shoved onto his face, Itachi's reply was a little muffled. He roughly shoved her off, brushing off as much dirt as he could and shaking it out of his hair. He didn't do very well though and only succeeding in making the stains larger. Temari, however, was not looking much better. In fact, both of them had smudges of mud, mustard, and other condiments all over their faces and clothes.

The mischievous kunoichi couldn't help but comment, "You look terrible."

He scowled. "You look worse."

She subconsciously rubbed at a splotch on her arm. "No, I don't, Weasel-san."

"Hn."

"Hn."

Initially, Itachi made no reply, and the girl grinned cheekily. "Whatever. I have to go."

He almost smirked at her disappointed frown. _Almost_.

"Already?" she asked. "Why?"

"Does it matter?"

She didn't respond at first. "Jerk," she mumbled after a long and awkward silence.

"Bye." With his derisive farewell, the elder of the surviving Uchiha left her alone in the middle of the training grounds.

For a few seconds, Temari stared blankly in puzzlement. Suddenly, she shouted angrily after the long-departed shinobi, "Oi, Weasel-san! Get your ass back here and help clean up!"

* * *

**Apologies from the Author:** Gahh! Sorry for the OOC-ness! I tried to keep them as in character as possible...but things happen... I have to admit, though, this is one of my better stories. However, I have no idea where the plot is going to go from here. 

Get the title yet? Coz Temari keeps saying 'bless you' whenever Itachi corrects her and is always calling him 'Weasel-san'!! Poor Itachi-kun... It'll keep appearing throughout the story. Haha!

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Of Bad Moods and Toothpaste

_**Of Sneezes and Weasels**_

**Disclaimer: **Nope, still don't own Naruto.

**Author's Note: **I don't usually post so many stories/chapters in one weekend, but it's my spring vacation and I have absolutely nothing to do. Thus the second chapter. Anyhow, I am pleased that (according to my only reviewer so far ;;) I haven't written Temari or Itachi OOC. Yayness! Um...I forgot to say this in the last chapter, but in case you haven't noticed, the main Naruto characters are 17, so that makes Temari 20 years-old and Itachi 22. And the reason Temari doesn't recognize Itachi as an Akatsuki member...will be explained in later chapters.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Two: Of Bad Moods and Toothpaste**

Temari was pissed.

Weasel-san, as she had so nicely dubbed the mysterious man named Itachi, disappeared without warning and left her with a huge mess to clean up by herself. Besides that, she was covered in mud and all sorts of food from their earlier picnic. It took her an entire hour to scrub all the grime off her while she showered.

Now that a new day had started, she was searching for Weasel-san so she could beat the crap out of the bastard.

After forty-five minutes or so of fruitless weasel hunting, she finally screamed out loud, "Dammit!"

The kunoichi turned swiftly when she heard a soft chuckle behind her. "Two times already?" the man whom she had been looking for inquired with amusement. "My, you really must be insane. You had better stop talking to yourself before someone else starts wondering."

"Speak for yourself, Weasel-san," she spat, fingering her fan.

Itachi just smirked. "You were looking for me. Why?"

"Because, asshole, you didn't help me clean up," the blonde answered dryly.

"You're still mad about that?" he asked, silently mocking her.

"Hell yeah!" she shouted, losing her carefully maintained calm. She pulled her fan from its sash and proceeded to whack him with it. Of course, being the experienced Akatsuki that he was, the Uchiha dodged with ease.

Finally giving up her would-be assault, Temari plopped herself on the ground, glaring at the missing-nin. "Why are you still here?" she snapped.

"Hn. You're in a bad mood," he stated.

"No shit, smartass. For good reason too," the blonde retorted, crossing her arms and leaning against a tree while still seated. He didn't really need an explanation from her.

"You still there?" she asked, her eyes now closed.

"Maybe."

The cranky kunoichi rolled her eyes at Itachi's comment. "Are you leaving any time soon?"

"Maybe."

"It's a simple yes or no question."

"Hn."

Her eyes narrowed. "That's not an answer."

"Hn."

"AUGH!!!" she cried out in mock agony. "Will you stop it with the hn-ing? Are you so uncreative that you can't come up with a better response?"

The Uchiha prodigy gave her a look. "No…"

"How about sentences with more than three words?" she questioned.

"Sometimes…" was his answer.

"Like right now?" she said with sarcasm.

"Hn."

"My point exactly." Temari leaned back some more, allowing her body to become relaxed. Suddenly, a kunai whizzed past her and embedded itself in the trunk right next to her tanned face.

"What the hell was that for?" she yelled, fuming. Her eyes livid, she glared a glare of such malice that it was almost comparable to her youngest brother's. Not quite, though.

An unaffected Itachi just brushed off her heated gaze, coolly replying, "Just wondering if you were still alert."

The blonde gaped at him…and then began laughing hysterically. The Akatsuki member stared curiously at her. Having calmed down a little, she gasped between deep breaths, "You said a sentence with more than three words!"

"So…?"

Finally ceasing her fit of giggles, she said, "It's just that I find it weird for you to actually bother to say something as long as that."

"I did only yesterday," he pointed out.

"Humph. Fine, be that way." Temari turned around, huffing with her arms crossed once more.

Once again, he had no answer because her response had made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

"So, Weasel-san, why did you find me?" she asked, seemingly having overcome her bad mood.

"Thought I would make your job easier."

"Job?"

"Self-proclaimed mission," the S-rank nin corrected himself.

"That's it?" Her voice betrayed her uninterested face, taking on a slightly upset tone.

"And I was bored."

She scoffed, "Nice to know you care so much."

"Hn."

"That's what I thought." There it was again, the completely nonsensical reply.

"Hn."

"Seriously, you should stop saying that. It could be a deadly addiction." She gasped in fake horror. "I hope it's not contagious!"

He rolled his eyes and told her, "Addictions aren't contagious. That's impossible."

Overlooking his comment, "You didn't say 'hn'! You're cured!" Suddenly and instinctively, she jumped up from her seat and hugged him tightly. Upon realizing her actions, she reflexively drew back and blushed lightly. "Sorry about that. Got caught up in the moment." She threw an apologetic grin, turned, and leapt away, disappearing into the forest.

"Wait-" began Itachi, but she was already gone. For once, it was he who was the one interrupted by his companion's disappearance. The prodigy immediately decided that he never wanted to experience the awkward sensation again (meaning being cut off since he had rather enjoyed the hug).

* * *

Stomping loudly into his shared hotel room, a certain Uchiha slammed the door and interrupted whatever his unfortunate partner happened to be doing at the moment. Kisame dropped the toothpaste covered toothbrush at the sight of his angry teammate. 

"What's wrong?" he asked as best he could with his pointy teeth covered in toothpaste. Itachi gave him a look, and he took it as a sign to wash the stuff out. The shark-like man sighed softly. His breath may be minty green, but he never would be able to get his teeth the beautiful pearly-white advertised by the toothpaste company... Oh, well.

"What's wrong?" Kisame repeated, his question now understandable.

"She left."

"Who?"

"The girl."

"The hot babe?"

"Hn."

"Why?"

"Will you just shut the hell up?" Itachi requested not-so-politely, throwing a lamp at his partner, who skillfully dodged it. The projectile smashed through the window and out into the streets. The subsequent cry of pain from below went unnoticed.

"Whoa! You said a complete sentence!" exclaimed the shark-featured man.

The prodigy scowled. "You too? It's not that big of a deal…"

"On the contrary, Itachi-san. In fact, this calls for a celebration!" Before the elder Uchiha brother could protest, he called the Akatsuki headquarters with their phone, whispering inaudibly so that his partner wouldn't hear what he was saying. However, the person at the other line didn't take as much precaution, so Itachi heard enough of the conversation to understand what was going on.

"Oh, you did _not _just invite the entire organization over."

"Another complete sentence!" Kisame cheered, oblivious to the venomous manner the sentence was spoken in and what the elder Uchiha brother said.

"Kisame, you can't be serious."

"Oh, come on. This is a great reason to have a party! First, you actually _talked_ with a girl, and now we know that you can actually have a _real_ conversation!" the older man explained excitedly. "Maybe you should spend more time with females-"

"Maybe I shouldn't," the Sharingan-master interjected before his partner could further the idea. "They're annoying, weak, and always get in the way." Except for that attractive blond vixen he just met several days ago, but the day Itachi admitted that would probably be a sign of Judgment Day…

"Okay, then-"

"Just don't open your mouth anymore," the Uchiha said. "I'm going to go sleep."

"Good night," the shark-like man called after the shinobi who didn't bother responding other than his usual 'hn'.

Once again, Kisame was left in silence by his somewhat moody partner. "Well…" he said to himself, "at least I can brush my teeth now!"

And so he continued his quest to get his large, pointy teeth to become the beautiful pearly white shown in the ads. But first, he'd have to get that spinach that got somehow stuck in his teeth well…unstuck. Strange thing was…he didn't remember eating anything with spinach. In fact, if memory serves correctly, he hadn't eaten the nasty leafy vegetable since his mother forced him to eat it when he was seven. Hm…

* * *

The next morning, our beloved hero (who is actually a villain in the series) irately woke to the annoying sound of someone pounding on his hotel room door rather violently. 

He got out of bed and threw open the door, almost ripping it off its hinges in the process. "What the hell do you want?" he asked, his agitation more than obvious.

"To see you, yeah!" happily exclaimed a certain blond man. "We heard your social skills are improving."

"Yeah, what Deidara-senpai said," agreed a slightly shorter person wearing an orange spiral mask. Itachi noticed that the entire Akatsuki gang was there, with the exception of Sir Leader and our dear Unnamed Member, both of which will no longer appear nor be mentioned.

"Okay, you've seen me, now go away." He slammed the door in their faces.

Deidara and the person, who we shall now recognize as Tobi, stared at the door in confusion.

"Social skills improved, my ass," muttered Hidan, wondering why he was even there. "I'm going to get us some rooms."

"No, you're not," objected Kakuzu. "You're going to waste all our money. _I'll _check us in."

"Hell no! You're going to get the crappiest rooms at the worst hotel!" the religious man argued. His money-loving partner refused to listen, and they both got into a vicious dispute with very colorful language.

While the pair quarreled, Zetsu, deciding to play peacemaker, went to the lobby and got two more rooms. He handed both sets of keys to Deidara and Tobi. "Give them the keys when they're done," he instructed.

"Yes, Zetsu-san. Tobi will give them the keys. Tobi is a good boy." The masked speaker clutched the set protectively.

"What about you, yeah?" asked the blonde.

"Leader-sama needs _someone _to do the missions," he explained.

"Like…picking up the groceries, yeah?" suggested the self-proclaimed artist with a smirk. Zetsu's eyebrow twitched.

Tobi, oblivious to the plant-like man's irritation, added, "Or walking Leader-sama's dog?"

Hidan, having apparently ended his spat with Kakuzu (who was sulking since they 'wasted' too much money on their rooms), inquired, "Since when did Leader-sama have a dog?"

Tobi just shrugged in response. Suddenly, loud noises and shouting was heard from the room Itachi and Kisame's room. A crash and the sound of glass breaking resonated, echoing in the halls. All the Akatsuki members, save the ones that weren't in the hallway, slowly inched away from the hotel room's door.

* * *

Now, whatever they had imagined happening was much worse than the actual occurrence. Itachi, wanting to escape the nosy interrogations from his fellow Akatsuki members jumped out of the window, which was already broken from when he threw a lamp through it. The shouting came from Kisame, who was cursing since he tripped on a chair, thus resulting in the crash. The glass breaking was the result of him slipping on a towel thrown carelessly onto the floor and falling into a mirror which later broke. 

However, what they _weren't _aware of was that there was another crash: the outcome of Itachi not looking before leaping. Or something like that. Anyways, when he jumped, the prodigy braced himself for the landing, but instead, met something soft.

Someone screamed bloody murder below him. "Sorry…" he apologized, getting off the person and immediately helping them up. He was surprised to see that it was someone he greatly recognized.

"Hey, Weasel-san. You committing suicide already?" Temari asked with a smirk, accepting his outstretched hand. She glanced up to the high roof of the hotel. "And you called me insane."

The Uchiha glared. "Hn."

"Do you really want to start this again?"

"Hn."

For once, she looked confused at his response. "Was that a 'yes' hn or a 'no' hn?"

"Hn."

"Oh! Why didn't you say so?" She grinned.

Neither noticed a random blonde staring at them through a window. The blonde's name was Deidara. Okay, maybe not so random… If they _did _look, they would see him pointing and shouting excitedly, and other men dressed in the same cloak as Itachi crowding around the small window. But they didn't, so the entire last paragraph was pointless.

_Anyways_, Temari invited him to have some tea with her. He gave his usual 'hn' so she took it as a yes and brought him to a secluded teashop near the edge of the forest. Not many normal civilians stopped by it since the surrounding area intimidated them. Most of the teashop's usual patrons were shinobi, but the kunoichi was praying that no one she knew would go there for fear of Itachi being caught.

"Tea?" he asked.

"Yeah. You know, the beverage best served warm, but can be iced_-_"

The missing-nin interrupted, "I know what tea is. It's just that if I didn't know any better…I'd say that you were asking me out." He smirked at her disbelieving facial expression.

"You are such a cocky bastard!" she said heatedly. "As if I would ask someone like you out!"

The Uchiha just smirked some more, and she hit him lightly on his arm. "You coming or not?" she snapped.

"Alright, I'll go…but on one condition." She raised an eyebrow. "You have to pay."

Temari rolled her teal orbs. "Men," she huffed. "They're all the same."

"Hn."

They continued their short trip in silence, glaring at the other. Neither broke of their connected gazes as they approached the teashop, nor as they sat themselves down. In fact, the pair probably had one of the longest glaring contests in history.

That aside, the blond kunoichi made their orders, not bother to ask Itachi what he wanted.

"So," she began, striking up a conversation between the two, "why were you leaping out of your hotel room window?"

To her great surprise, he gave a thorough answer, "I was escaping my partner and the rest of my…team as well as their stupid questions."

"Why would they question their own teammate?" she asked.

"Apparently, I've been more ah…_social _these past few days than in all the years they've known me." Once again, he astounded her with a full reply.

"Social meaning…" The young woman had tilted her head in curiosity.

"I can hold a conversation," he said bluntly.

She grinned. "Ah. I was surprised by that too! Actually…I was surprised that you even _talked _to me!"

"Hn." The tanned blonde smacked the stoic shinobi when he resorted to his simple grunting responses once more.

"That's a bad habit," she stated. Her eyes suddenly lit up with a personal challenge. "I'm going to hit you harder every time you 'hn,' got it?"

He winced. With as many times as he 'hn'-ed, and how hard she could hit, he would be black and blue by the end of the week. "Did you do this with your brother?" he asked inquisitively, subconsciously rubbing his arm.

"Hell no!" the girl replied loudly. "First off, he has the sand to protect him, and secondly, if I actually succeeded, he wouldn't hesitate to kill me."

The Uchiha raised an eyebrow at this. This powerful kunoichi was afraid of her younger brother?

"Figuratively speaking, of course," Temari added. And it was true; now that Gaara no longer had the Shukaku demon sealed inside of him, he wasn't so cold and homicidal towards his siblings. A lot of that was also due to his meeting Naruto as well. She smiled inwardly, thinking of how much of Gaara's change was a contribution of the blond teenager.

A few moments of silence passed as both ninja quietly sipped at their tea. Taking a quick glimpse at a clock on the wall, the kunoichi abruptly gasped, "Oh, no! I'm going to be late!" She looked apologetically at the dismayed shinobi in front of her.

"Sorry…I have a conference with the Hokage. Maybe another time." The blonde scribbled something on a napkin. "That's the hotel I'm staying at. Just ask for my name at the desk." And, once again, she left Itachi without any companions.

* * *

As his partner entered the room, Kisame noticed he was much calmer and, for lack of a better word, friendly than he was that morning. "Feeling better, Itachi?" he queried. 

"Hn."

Well…it was better than having lamps thrown at him. "That's great. Oh, by the way, the other guys are here."

At this, Itachi's head whipped up, and his eyes darted around the room.

Deidara was the first to jump out of his hiding spot. "Who was that girl with you, yeah?" he asked.

Tobi decided to follow his senpai's example. "Is she your girlfriend, Itachi-san?" The Uchiha's eyebrow twitched.

"Just another annoying girl, and _no_," he answered venomously, eyes narrowed.

"Oh…" both looked disappointed.

"Is she rich?" Kakuzu randomly asked. Hidan immediately began berating him on how his greed was so heathen, how they were all going to hell for not accepting Jashin as their god, and how none of them had time to repent and he'd be the only one going to heaven. Of course, his lecture was dotted with much more colorful language.

Itachi closed his eyes and inhaled deeply in preparation for what he predicted would be a _long _night.


	3. Of Morning TV and Discoveries

_**Of Sneezes and Weasels**_

**Disclaimer: **Naruto still does not belong to me. It is still owned by Mr. Masashi Kishimoto. Lucky guy.

**Author's Note: **I don't like this chapter particularly as much as the others, but here is when some plot starts to develop...sort of. Anyhow, be prepared for more insanity and stupidity, courtesy of Mitsukai!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Three: Of Morning TV and Discoveries**

Having wisely learned from before, Itachi took care to leave early in the morning in order to avoid the squabbles between the other Akatsuki members, as well as their probing interrogations.

Kisame knew better than to pursue his partner about the mysterious girl they saw him with, so the Uchiha was spared him at least. The others, on the other hand, weren't quite so knowledgeable and continued questioning him for the details. Much to their dismay, however, he wouldn't even tell them the bare facts.

He winced, remembering how the conversation had gone the night before… Deidara and Tobi almost investigated the matter all night, with Hidan and Kakuzu watching in the background, occasionally asking their own freaky questions. Eventually, he ended up throwing them all out of his room…quite literally.

With a nasty smirk, the prodigy recalled enjoying their expressions that could never be described with mere words. If only he had a camera at that moment. Luckily for him, his shark-like partner did, thus preserving the memory before the Uchiha fiercely slammed the door shut in their unfortunate faces.

Shoving his thoughts to the back of his mind, the black-haired man sighed. Yet again, he found he had nothing to do, a predicament Itachi was continuously finding himself in during this observation mission. Contemplating his few choices, the shinobi suddenly remembered being given the hotel at which a certain blond nin was staying. And no, it wasn't Deidara, much to his relief.

He drew a slightly crumpled scrap of paper from his cloak, reading the name of the hotel. He was surprised to see that it was one of Konoha's better inns, but mentally scolded himself for thinking like that. She was a representative of Suna in the Hidden Leaf Village on a diplomatic mission; of course the Sand Village would pay heartily for her wellbeing to ensure peaceful and beneficial negotiations.

Walking through the entrance, he went up to the front desk. An abnormally thin woman with a tag declaring her name to be 'Fumiko' looked up at him.

"May I help you?" she asked a bit snobbishly.

"Hn. I need the spare key to Temari's room," he answered monotonously.

The bony clerk's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Any last name to this 'Temari'?"

Itachi hesitated before luckily remembering an interesting fact on Sand villagers. "She's from Sunagakure. Most of the people there don't have surnames, or prefer to keep theirs unknown. That is, unless you consider 'Of the Desert' a last name."

He met enough Sand shinobi to realize that they tended to avoid revealing their last names to others. And with good reason too! Seriously, who would want to be known that their last name was 'Of the Red Sand' or something like that? Poor poor Sasori. At least he was in a better place now. Unless he went to hell, as Hidan was constantly predicting. Then it might not be much better…

The woman scowled, muttering under her breath, "Such insolence." Of course, Itachi, being the oh-so-awesome S-rank ninja that he is, heard and gave her a hard glare. In a pitiful attempt to ignore his heated gaze, the snotty receptionist handed him a key and said snidely, "I hope you have a good day."

"Hn. I hope you have a bad one," the Uchiha mumbled, hurrying to Temari's room to distance himself from the stuck-up woman.

Upon approaching the door, he paused, wondering what he would do should the kunoichi be dressing or in the shower. _That _would be awkward, and she would probably hate him for it. Making a quick decision, he held his head against the door, sending chakra to his ears in order to detect even the slightest rustle. He heard nothing, so he quietly let himself in.

As he entered the room noiselessly, the missing-nin instantly observed the blonde asleep, her breathing a deep and rhythmic pattern. Itachi leisurely strode over to the bedside, and leaned over cautiously, staring at the tanned face of the young woman and silently waited for her to wake up.

* * *

Temari slowly opened her eyes, finding that piercing black orbs were staring into her teal ones. "AHH!" she screamed and ungracefully out of her queen-sized bed.

The man who had tremendously startled her tilted his head curiously. "Am I really that terrifying?" he asked.

She ignored his question. "What the hell are you doing here, Weasel-san?"

"Itachi."

"Bless you." He glared, but she just brushed it off, instead going on, "But seriously, why are you here?"

The shinobi shrugged, not really knowing the answer himself. "You told me where you were staying, so I thought I'd drop by and visit."

The blonde gasped. He gave her a questioning look to which she responded, "You said a full sentence again!"

He rolled his eyes. Leave it to her to tease him about his speaking habits. "Whatever."

She smirked in reply. "I'm going to go take a shower." And before he could say anything, the kunoichi hopped into the bathroom with a towel and a grin.

Itachi waited patiently as he listened to the water run down the drain. Not seeing much else he could do, the prodigy turned on the television, settling on the luxurious bed and staring at the screen with utter boredom.

He raised the volume significantly when the kunoichi's hair dryer came on, which drowned out the dramatic conversation the people in the soap opera he was watching were so avidly participating in. He flipped through the channels, and when he discovered nothing good was on after he went through all of them, he began flipping through the channels again.

Just as he was about to go through all the channels once more, the girl who he had been waiting for emerged from the now steaming bathroom, clad in nothing but the towel that she had brought in with her and her golden locks down. He gave her a rather spiteful look.

"What are you doing?" the nukenin asked with irritation.

"What does it look like?" Temari snapped, pulling a set of clothes from her drawers. "Now turn around."

He stared incredulously, though not quite incredulous enough to be openmouthed and wide-eyed. However, it was probably the closest to openmouthed and wide-eyed that the Uchiha would ever get. "You're going to dress in _here_?"

"No, I'm telling you to turn so I can observe your well-built back," the blonde answered sarcastically, rolling her eyes with exasperation. He looked self-consciously at his back. She repeated her earlier command, "Turn around."

"No. Dress in the bathroom."

"Hell no! It's _my _hotel room! I can do whatever I want in it! Besides, the bathroom's all steamy and makes me sweaty, which completely defeats the purpose of a shower. Now turn around." The kunoichi's voice rose, and her eyes narrowed.

Itachi, unable to think of much argument against her reasoning, turned around, but not before giving her a wicked glare, even though he knew it was futile against the oblivious girl. She retained her steady, unfazed expression and quickly got into her clothes before the shinobi could do anything. Just because he listened and turned around didn't mean the kunoichi trusted the older man to not look.

"'Kay, I'm done. You can look now," she said, fully dressed and her hair in its usual four ponytails.

He did so and turned to the TV, which he hadn't yet switched off, again. Her eyebrow twitched.

"Is there a reason you came here?" Temari inquired in frustrated annoyance. "Other than to flip through my hotel room's 185 channels in HiDef?"

"Hn. Not really." At least he was truthful.

The blonde sighed, "I thought as much…" and plopped onto the bed next to Itachi in resignation.

After about an hour or so of watching together in silence, Temari finally remarked, "Wow. 185 channels and nothing good is on."

"Hn."

Another thirty minutes left, and another cheesy sitcom ended. "That was one of the stupidest shows I have ever seen."

"Hn. Yeah," Itachi agreed.

The bored girl suddenly shot up off the bed, surprised him so much that he almost fell off. _Almost_.

"Then what the hell are we doing here?" she asked loudly. "We're watching stupid sitcoms when we could be walking in the park or something productive!" She threw the window's curtains open and declared, "It's such a beautiful day! C'mon. You're coming too."

Before the S-class ninja could protest, she grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room, through the hallways, and out the hotel.

Tugging his arm back and cradling it gingerly, Itachi glared noiselessly. However, his patented Uchiha glare went unnoticed by the energized blonde.

"Now that we're _finally _outside, what do you want to do?" she asked, grinning expectantly.

"Nothing." He was still rather irked that she pulled him away from the 185 channels he was having oh-so-much-fun flipping through.

"_You_, Weasel-san, are a _dick_."

"Hn."

"You're welcome."

"Whatever."

She raised her eyebrow and inquired, "Is it just me, or do all of our discussions go something like this one is?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if it was just you. You tend to give off the mentally unstable vibe." He smirked at her fiery expression.

"Well, _excuse me_, Mr. I'll-Just-Jump-Out-Of-My-Fifth-Story-Hotel-Room-Window-And-Commit-Suicide!" Temari huffed.

The shinobi gave her a questioning look. "Not Weasel-san?"

She thought for a short moment. "That too."

"Hn."

"Seriously, that has got to stop."

Itachi decided to push the matter a little further just to annoy the blonde. "Why?"

"'Cause you're annoying the shit out of me!" she shouted, drawing attention to herself. Many civilians stared in shock at the foul-mouthed foreigner, while others covered the innocent ears of their children.

"Do I have shit inside of me?" a not-quite-so-fortunate boy asked his horrified mother.

Our favorite Uchiha (unless you hate Itachi and are reading this fanfic for some obscure reason) smirked in amusement at her response. "Be quiet, Temari. You're scaring the children."

"You probably kick the children."

"Touché."

"Thanks."

"Hn."

Her eyebrow twitching, the blonde asked, "Is 'hn' even a word?"

The prodigy shrugged. "Hn."

"My point exactly," she said, giving another one of her nonsensical responses.

"Whatever."

With a frown gracing her lips, Temari told him, "All conversational progress you made has been lost."

"Hn."

She sighed, "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Why do you always have answers that make no sense whatsoever?" Itachi asked, temporarily giving up his customary 'hn.'

"Why do you always give one word answers?" the blonde asked back, brushing his question aside.

"So I don't waste my breath with meaningless replies," he said in response.

She looked him with bewilderment in her teal orbs. "Are you really that much of a social misfit?" she questioned.

"Hn."

"_That _just proves my point."

He glared at her. She let a slightly evil grin creep onto her tanned face. "Whatever."

"Hn. Whatever," Temari imitated his disinterested tone. "I'm better than you so I limit my vocabulary to 'hn' and 'whatever' since I don't need to waste breath on you. Hn. Whatever."

Itachi scowled but didn't do anything else. Why? While he could verbally abuse the girl until she cried (which he found himself quite unable to do seeing as she had quite a sharp tongue), it would be against his rather nonexistent code of honor to hit her out of anger. Thus, the insulting conversations they had more often than not. In fact, he didn't remember when they had spoken like civilized adults. Wait…since when were they civilized adults? Hm…

Rudely interrupting the missing-nin's very important thoughts, Temari said, "Hey, I'm only going to be here for a week, and today's my fifth day. So far, I've only seen like…three of my friends here, and I want to take advantage of this mission to go see them. So is it okay if…" The blonde didn't finish her question, instead looking hopefully at the Uchiha.

"Whatever. I'll just go back to your hotel room." Yay! More channel surfing!

She smiled gratefully. "Thanks. Have fun with my television."

"Hn."

The kunoichi couldn't help but add, "Weasel-san."

"Itachi."

"Bless you." She ran off before he could hurt her. The shinobi sighed in defeat and walked in the opposite direction back to her hotel.

* * *

"Naruto! Hey, Naruto!" Temari ran, catching up to her fellow blonde.

"Hey, Temari!" the jinchuuriki greeted back with a wide grin. "How's Gaara?"

"He's doing good. He's getting impatient though."

He cocked his head curiously. "What for?"

The kunoichi answered with a smile, "He told me to tell you to hurry up and become the Hokage. He's tired of having to be stuck all the time with old people since all the council members and advisors are all old."

The younger shinobi shouted angrily in response, "Well, tell him I can't 'cause Tsunade-baa-chan is taking forever to retire! Dattebayo!!"

Temari could only grin. He was so easily provoked…the exact opposite of her youngest brother who preferred to maintain an impassive and overtly serious expression.

"Can you tell me where Sakura is?" she requested. "I haven't talked to her in ages, and we have some catching up to do!"

"She's probably in the park with Sasuke," he said, scoffing. "Good luck with that! They're always together now that they're officially dating. It's hard to make conversation with either of them without the other hovering over you."

"If she won't listen, then I'll grab her by her pretty pink hair and drag her away from Uchiha!" the Suna nin hollered over her shoulder as she ran off to find her pink-haired friend.

The younger kunoichi's unique hair stood out in the crowds of Konohagakure, so it wasn't too difficult for Temari to find her. All she had to do was look for the only rose-colored head in the entire village.

"Sakura-chan!" she called after the girl. "Dammit, Sakura, stop walking away from me!"

Sakura, as though suddenly realizing that Temari had been calling her name, slowly turned from her animated discussion with Sasuke. "Oh, hey, Temari-chan! How long have you been in Konoha?"

"About five days, actually…" The blonde scrunched up her nose in realization. "I've been so busy with all this political stuff! I can barely find time to visit my friends anymore." She sighed exasperatedly, adding effect to the half-lie.

"It's okay," assured Sakura. She shouted to Sasuke, "Hey, Sasuke-kun! Come over here and say 'hi' to Temari-chan!"

When he walked over, albeit a bid reluctantly, the older kunoichi greeted him, "Hey, Sasuke."

"Hn." Her eyes widened distinctly with sudden recognition. With irritation, the Uchiha asked, "What are you staring at?"

Sakura was about to scold him, but Temari quickly interjected. "N-nothing. I just um… I just remembered something." She turned to Sakura. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay and chat longer, but I have to go. Could you say 'hi' for me to everyone? Thanks." She hurried away before the Konoha kunoichi could protest.

After a moment of awkward silence, Sakura asked, "What was that about?" to which Sasuke said, "Hn."

Rushing back to her hotel room, Temari mentally slapped herself for not seeing it before. The same raven hair, the same onyx eyes, and even the same personality. Heck, they even said 'hn' the same way!

Her Weasel-san was, in reality, _Uchiha Itachi_!

* * *

Itachi was contently watching some random cartoon show with dogs as the main characters when our heroine burst through the door and pointed accusingly at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" she asked with something between a shriek and a yell.

The shinobi, guessing what she had found out, pretended to play dumb. "Tell you what?"

"That you're an Uchiha!" the blonde exclaimed in aggravation.

He stared at her. Not his typical I'm-going-to-kill-you patented Uchiha glare, but instead one of complete awe. If she knew who he was, shouldn't she be afraid? Or mad? Slapping him in the face, even? She wouldn't have to know why he didn't tell her. "You mean, you don't know?"

"I _didn't _know," she corrected, "but I do now!"

The Akatsuki member stared some more. "Don't you know about the Uchiha clan?"

Temari shrugged. "Not really, but you and that Sasuke are eerily similar. Was your entire family like that?"

He could not believe it. She didn't know about the massacre. Then again, the kunoichi _was _a foreigner and still a child when he murdered them all, so she probably had not heard about it. Inwardly, he sighed with relief.

"Never mind."

The blonde shrugged again. "So do you have the Sharingan?"

Itachi reverted back to his habitually unsocial self. "Hn."

"That's pretty awesome. I can't believe you were able to beat me so easily without even using your Sharingan. You must be really powerful," she said.

"Maybe."

She sighed before going on with her rant, "But _why_ didn't you tell me?"

Coming up with a quick lie, he replied, "I thought it wasn't that important."

Temari gawked in disbelief, asking, "You thought it wasn't important that I'm meeting with a missing-nin from the most prestigious clan in Konoha?"

"Yeah."

The Suna nin could only gape some more, this time wordlessly.

After her moment of silence, the blonde uttered three words. "What the hell." She said it as a statement rather than as a question.

"Hn."

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Itachi couldn't help but give a soft, barely visible smile at Temari's nonsensical reply.


	4. Of Waking Up and Goodbyes

**Of Sneezes and Weasels**

**Disclaimer: **Seriously, does it _look _like I own _Naruto_? If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfictions.

**Author's Note: **Wahh...I feel like the more I write, the less funny I get. Seriously, I think most of my chapters are just variations of the first chapter... Oh well... Anywho, thie one probably has the most plot out of all of them so far. Yup yup!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Four: Of Waking Up (Twice) and Goodbyes**

Two very tired shinobi yawned simultaneously. They had been in the Temari's hotel room for the majority of the day, spending their long hours together flipping through TV channels once more, occasionally stopping when they finally found something that seemed mildly interesting.

She glanced at Itachi, then at the bedside clock. "You can leave if you want. It's getting pretty late," she said.

"Must I?" he asked, his eyes half-closed.

"Why not?" The blonde was more awake now, worried at the aspect of having the Uchiha falling asleep in _her _bed and having to stay in _her _hotel room.

His answer came as an incoherent mumbling. "No… don't… questions… teammates… annoying…" At least…that's what the kunoichi thought he said. It was difficult to decipher his muffled words since the man had buried his head in her pillow.

_Her _pillow.

"Don't fall asleep!" exclaimed Temari, who was quite concerned for the wellbeing of her precious pillow. "At least not on my bed! Go on the couch!"

Itachi's eyes were closed now. "You don't have a couch…" he muttered.

"That's beside the point!" She pointed in a random direction. "Off!" she ordered.

Unfortunately, to the Sand ninja's distress, the missing-nin had ignored her demands and had already fallen asleep. The blonde pushed at him in an attempt to push him off the bed, which would effectively wake him up, but it was futile. Not only was he bigger than she was, but he was even heavier due to his thick cloak.

"Dammit!" she shouted at his peaceful (and quite unconscious) figure. "_Move_!"

Her angry yells were met with the shinobi's deep breathing.

She let out a strangled cry of despair. Temari stopped, however, when she heard the older ninja murmuring subconsciously with a frown on his features, "Too loud… Shut up…"

She couldn't help but roll her eyes when he said this. He was even irritable in his sleep! And he talked in it too! Hm…

Figuring that the Uchiha would be uncomfortable in his bulky clothes, she cautiously removed the coat covered with red clouds, careful as to not disturb the sleeping man. The blonde was surprised that he didn't look nearly as big as she originally thought, nor as intimidating. In fact, her eyes were happily greeted by a healthily thin body in mostly black attire.

Oh, the eye candy! The temptation!

Temari inwardly slapped herself. Save the mental undressing of the hot guy in front of her for later!

She forcefully shoved him as close to the side as she could get before dressing into her pajamas and lying down next to him. There was no way that she'd sleep on the floor in her own hotel room. Besides, the bed was _massive._ Once she was positive they were as far from each other as they could be, the blonde allowed herself to relax and gradually doze off.

"Mm… Good night…Weasel-san," she mumbled, her eyes closed and already half asleep.

* * *

As it turns out, both Itachi and Temari are restless sleepers. Neither of the pair woke up on the side they had originally fell asleep on, rather opening their eyes to be greeted by a very close up and very detailed view of the other. Thus the long, loud string of curses and insults, courtesy of the blond kunoichi. 

Once she had calmed down from her angry ranting and he had subsided from his initial shock, the young woman gave the missing-nin a questioning glance.

"I didn't do anything, alright?!" said an irritated Uchiha.

"I never said anything."

"No, _of course_ not. You _only_ called me a 'pervert' and a 'sick-minded bastard' among a number of other names," he replied, his voice taking on a cynical tone.

"Whoops. I got caught up in the moment. Sorry," she admitted with an apologetic smile, "Weasel-san."

"Hn."

"So… Why _did _you end up falling asleep in my bed?" Temari asked. Underneath her breath, she added, "Kami-sama, that sounds wrong…"

The S-rank shinobi shrugged. "I got tired," was his simple answer. Then, at her raised eyebrow, he elaborated, "We had spent an entire day watching TV. When it got boring, I felt tired. Besides, my partner and teammates would be asking where I was and what I was doing and a bunch of other questions I'd prefer not to answer."

"I see." She yawned, stretching her slender arms.

Itachi looked around the room. "Where's my cloak?"

The blonde froze mid-stretch, remembering that _she _had taken it off him the night earlier.

The Uchiha smirked. "And you called _me _a pervert."

"That's wasn't it!" she objected. "I was going to leave you there, but that cloak looked so darn heavy and uncomfortable to sleep in, so I took it off for you!"

"Right." Temari grimaced at his sarcasm.

"Seriously!" insisted the flustered kunoichi.

"Whatever." The shinobi's voice told her that he still didn't believe her. "Anyways, where is it?"

The girl got up and retrieved it. "Hmph. Here," she said, chucking the cause of their argument at his head. Itachi lithely caught it.

"Thanks." He quickly pulled the cloak on and buttoned it up. "I have to go." The prodigy had no idea why he needed to tell her so when he would normally just leave.

"You're welcome." She added a little too joyfully, "Good riddance."

He glared. "Hn."

"I knew it!"

The nukenin decided not to comment on that and left, leaping from her window.

"Bye to you too, Weasel-san," Temari muttered after he left.

* * *

Itachi sighed, opening the door to his hotel room and bracing himself for the barrage of questions that he was sure to be attacked with. Strangely, though, he was met with an unexpected silence.

Another sigh, this time of relief, escaped his lips. However, his comfort was short-lived.

"Hey, Itachi, yeah!" Deidara greeted him, Tobi, Hidan, and Kakuzu in tow. Kisame was lounging on one of the beds. "How was it?"

The Uchiha silently groaned. He should have known that they were hiding somewhere, waiting for him with their inquiries.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said.

"No need to hide it from us, Itachi-san," insisted Tobi. "We can all keep secrets!" Hidan and Kakuzu snorted shamelessly.

Itachi glared. "No."

Deidara, seeing the malice in the prodigy's eyes, decided that a wise person would back down before they were brutally murdered by the angered Uchiha, as did Hidan and Kakuzu. However, Tobi wasn't quite as wise as his 'senpai' was.

"Please, Itachi-san?"

"_No_." And thus, Tobi was thrown violently out of the room, with the other uninvited three visitors following.

"That went damn well," Hidan scoffed dryly.

"Why, thank you, Hidan-san."

"Tobi," said Kakuzu, "he was being sarcastic."

"Oh…"

* * *

"Kisame, why the hell were they in here _again_?!" Itachi asked, a murderous look in his eye.

"They found the spare key."

"_What_?!!"

"Apparently, there was a spare key to our room hidden under Deidara's bathroom rug."

"…What the hell?"

The older man shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know how it got there either."

* * *

"Ino-chan!" Temari called to the younger blonde.

"Hey!" she greeted back.

"How are things with the lazy ass?" the Suna nin inquired.

"Same as always," Ino laughed. "Troublesome!"

"I saw him earlier," Temari went on. "He's in looove with you!"

The Leaf kunoichi snickered, "He better be!"

They both giggled and ran off to have lunch together.

"So," the Yamanaka decided to begin their conversation over their meal, "what have you been up to, Temari-chan?"

"Just this and that. Mainly political stuff since Gaara is sticking to his antisocial self. He sends me as his rep to all these meetings and negotiations. It's annoying, really."

Ino nodded in understanding. "But having your brother as Kazekage has its perks, right? I mean, you must have special privileges and stuff."

Temari sighed, "Not really. I still have a ton of work to do, and he doesn't give me anymore breaks than the next ninja."

The younger girl giggled at her friend's tirade. "I'm sure it is. By the way, just out of curiosity, have you met any guys yet?"

The Sand kunoichi gave her a look.

"No, seriously!" Ino continued. "You're older than all of us Konoha kunoichi, but you're the only one who isn't in a relationship!"

"But I don't _need _a relationship!" argued Temari. "I've had enough with men. I mean, I have two younger brothers! I don't need another male to baby-sit!"

"Oh, c'mon! There has to be _someone _who you at least take a little interest in." She grinned at the older ninja's silence. "_Is _there someone?" she asked slyly.

"No…"

"You're _lying_, Temari-chan. I know you are!" Ino laughed. "So tell me, who is the lucky guy who captured your heart?"

"_No one _captured my heart!" insisted the agitated girl.

The mind-jutsu user raised an eyebrow.

"Ugh, alright." She threw her hands up in defeat. "We barely know each other, _but_—"

"But what?" goaded Ino.

"_But _we keep running into each other and talking and stuff."

"Oh." She sounded disappointed that there wasn't any _real _romance going on, nothing to make some juicy gossip. That is, unless 'stuff' had more meaning to it than Temari let on.

"Can I know who he is?" she asked hopefully.

"_No_."

"Fine, fine. I'll figure it out soon enough, though." A devious glint shone in her eyes.

"Whatever. I'll talk to you later, Ino-chan." With that said, Temari got up, paid for her half of the bill, and began walking away.

Suddenly, she heard the Konoha shinobi call after her, "Is it Kiba?"

Ino laughingly dodged the wooden chair that came flying her way.

* * *

Much later in the day, after she had gone to another meeting with Tsunade, Temari was wearily opening the door to her room. Once she had finally succeeded to unlock the mechanism, she was warmly welcomed with the sight of Itachi lying down on the bed, watching TV again.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she asked tiredly.

The Uchiha barely gave her a second glance, not even bothering to answer her question. "You look terrible."

"Thanks." She pulled out her pajamas and dressed in the bathroom, too exhausted to argue. Once clothed, she plopped onto her bed and fell asleep.

He stared in mild interest, ignoring the bad soap opera that was on and paying attention to the sleepy girl.

"Go away," she muttered, already half-asleep.

"Why should I?" the prodigy asked. "We already shared the bed once; I don't see any reason not to again. It's not like either of us did anything." Of course, as everyone knows, the real reason was to escape the annoying Akatsuki members, _especially _since they now had ultimate access to his room with their spare key.

He made a mental note to feed the key to the stray dog that was following him everywhere. Oh, wait, he threw that dog into a trash can… Scratch that idea, then.

Subconsciously, Temari let a slight smile creep onto her face at his strange, yet sensible logic. "Fine…"

He shrugged off his cloak and lay down beside her once more.

"You better have changed," she mumbled.

"Hn. Of course I did."

She yawned, "Good," and finally gave way to her slumber.

Naught but a few minutes later, Itachi joined the kunoichi in sleep.

* * *

Shaking the sleeping blonde, Itachi hissed, "Wake up, Temari!"

"Na, just a few more minutes," she muttered, rolling over and covering her head with a pillow.

He smirked, grabbing the ice bucket and filling it with water.

_Cold _water.

_Very _cold water.

As in _ice cold _water.

"Holy shit!" the now very awake Sand nin screamed, leaping out of the bed.

"Good morning to you too."

"Weasel-san?" Temari rubbed her eyes. "You're still here?"

"No. I'm actually not here and am sending an astral projection from my location in the Hidden Rock."

"Oh." She pulled the covers back on her, giving a slight yawn. "That's nice."

The Uchiha rolled his ebony eyes. "I was being sarcastic."

The kunoichi suddenly shot up again. "You made a joke?!" she asked incredulously.

He scowled. "No, I said I was being sarcastic."

"But…you made a joke!!!" Her eyes had lost their bleariness and were now wide, staring at him with an amazed sparkle.

Itachi sighed. It was probably pointless to try and explain to the stubborn girl that he _did not _make a joke; he was being sarcastic. There was a difference…sort of.

The matter aside, the Sand shinobi hopped out of her bed, pulling out some clothes. Humming quietly to herself, she went into the bathroom and changed. The Uchiha was slightly surprised that she didn't argue with him to turn around.

When she came out, Temari started packing her things into a traveling bag.

"You're leaving?" he inquired.

"Yeah." She didn't turn to face him, concentrating instead on her stuff. "I've been here for a week already and completed my mission. I have no more business here. Besides, Gaara and Kankuro need me there for them, even if they hate my cooking." She smiled softly. The sincere expression was a new one to Itachi, who was used to her confident smirks or mischievous grins.

"You really miss home, don't you?"

She nodded and looked up, somewhat surprised that he read her so easily. "I do, but…"

Her paused caused him to glance towards her curiously.

"But…even though I hate to admit it, I'll miss you when I leave, Itachi-kun," she finished flatly.

He stared. Not only did she call him by his actual name instead of 'Weasel-san', but she added the '-kun' honorific to the end. Not that he minded…

"You've grown onto me, and I…_enjoy _your company more often than not." She grinned and held out her hand for him to shake. "Friends?"

Itachi stared again, this time at her hand. The last friend he had, he killed to obtain power. But the relationship he had with this girl felt different than the one he had with Shisui, even if she deemed it the same.

He took her hand in confirmation with a stiff nod. "Hn."

Temari's grin widened, but there was a sad air to it. "Well…I don't know how we'll keep in contact but—"

The man abruptly cut her off, "Don't worry. I'll find you."

"Anyways, Weasel-san—"

His eye twitched. "What happened to Itachi-kun?"

"Who?"

"…Never mind."

"Good. Now that I hope you're done interrupting me," she glared at him, "I have to go, Weasel-san."

"Itachi."

"Bless you." Thus ending the matter, she slung her pack over her shoulder and walked out of the room, leaving the missing-nin to himself.

Itachi stood there, somewhat flabbergasted. Suddenly, he dashed out of the door after her, tearing through the hallways and out of the hotel.

"Wait! Temari! Dammit, woman, wait!"

The walking blonde turned at the sudden appearance of her favorite Uchiha. "Weasel-san?"

He stopped his unexpected sprint, brushing off the confused stares of innocent passersby. "You left too early. I just wanted to say…" He paused, unsure of what he actually _wanted_ to say.

"Yes?" Temari asked.

"I wanted to say goodbye," he finally said a bit awkwardly. Just a bit though.

"Oh…" The girl's disappointment was mirrored in her face. Then she smiled. "I guess I left you too quickly to let you say so, eh?" The kunoichi hugged him. "Goodbye, then."

Surprisingly, to both Itachi and Temari, he returned the gesture.

"Goodbye, Temari."

Once he released her, she threw him a final grin and walked away.

Itachi stood, staring at her disappearing form, savoring the tingling sensation from where she had been pressed against him.

"Okaa-san, that guy's creepy," a little girl said not-very-quietly to her appalled mother. The girl flinched and hid behind the woman when he glared at her.

"Hn." With that said (is it said? Or grunted?), he turned on his heel and trudged unhappily to his own hotel, dreading the questions sure to come from his team and the worst thing that could ever happen to him—no TV!!!

Oh, wait… Let's try that again.

…the worst thing that could ever happen to him—no annoying blond kunoichi named Temari!!!


	5. Of Love Coaching and Ice Cream

**_Of Sneezes and Weasels_**

**Disclaimer: **Must I repeat myself?

**Author's Note: **I have to personally thank **KalliopeStarmist **for giving me an ego boost! It really helped for this chapter...and probably for the rest of this story. Oh, and go check out her stories! She has an absolutely fantastic ItaTema going on, a really good GaaSaku, and a ton of other really good fanfics. I'd also like to thank my wonderful supporters who have reviewed the majority, if not all, of my chapters. I'm truly honored!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Five: Of Love Coaching and Ice Cream**

Itachi kicked the door open with great force, making an extravagant and unforeseen entrance that was very, very loud.

"Hi, Itachi-san!" Tobi greeted him cheerily.

"Out. All of you. Out." The Uchiha pointed a shaky finger towards the open door.

Tobi began to protest, "What? But—"

Deidara cut off his naïve partner by grabbing the collar of his cloak and dragging him out. The pair was soon followed by the ignorant Hidan and Kakuzu, who were too busy arguing over spending money on gourmet soap to notice Itachi's bad mood.

Kisame looked at his partner in worry. "What happened, Itachi?"

The prodigy scowled. "Nothing."

"Dude, you haven't looked this pissed off since that mysterious girl—"

"It was _nothing_, Kisame," he hissed spitefully, interrupting the shark-like man.

"…You sure?" he asked warily in case Itachi let loose his fury on him.

"Hell yeah. Never felt better."

Kisame decided to wisely ignore the snide tone in his partner's voice.

* * *

A few day's later, Itachi was still as unreasonably angry as ever (or more so than normal as he usually was only moody and antisocial). 

After dodging a 'magically' flying hair dryer that was coincidentally thrown by the Uchiha, Kisame finally gathered enough courage to ask him what was wrong once more.

"Are you okay?"

"Does it _look _like I'm okay?!!" the younger man spat.

His partner hesitated. "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Itachi stared in disbelief. "How the hell did _you_ get into the Akatuski?"

"Same way as a dunce like Tobi got in, I guess." The shark-like man shrugged, not really caring.

The prodigy tilted his head in curiosity. "How _did _Tobi get in?"

They both pondered that for a moment.

Shaking the matter aside, Kisame brought the conversation back to the one he was originally trying to have, "_Anyways_, what's wrong?"

"Hn."

"No, seriously, what's wrong? I can't help if you keep 'hn'-ing all the time!"

"And you could help me otherwise?"

Kisame thought on the question. "Okay, probably not," he admitted, "but maybe I can help you with this."

"No, you can't," Itachi stated flatly.

The older Akatsuki insisted, "Yes, I can!"

"No—"

"Yes—"

"Alright!" the Uchiha ended their interruption contest with, ironically, an interruption. "You know that 'mysterious girl' I've been seeing? Well, she left. For good, this time."

Kisame stared. "Is that it?" Without waiting for an answer, he continued, "Do you love her?"

Itachi opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. He wasn't entirely sure. Maybe his partner might actually be able to help him on this…

"I'm not sure," he confessed, "but every single time I see her and talk to her, I feel happier than I've felt in years. I actually enjoy her company."

"Then you do love her," concluded Kisame. "Anyone you emotionally attach yourself to, save Sasuke, you're probably in love with."

"How'd you know so quickly?"

"Itachi, it's obvious. You don't even like your own partner. So 'like' in your book is actually 'love' in anyone else's," he explained.

The former Konoha ANBU captain was about to object, but stopped, realizing that it was true.

"But…what am I going to do?" he finally asked with a choked voice.

"You love her right?" The Uchiha nodded. "And you love her a lot?" He nodded again. "Then get the hell out of here and get the woman!!!"

Itachi suddenly stood up, saying, "Hn. Thanks Kisame." He rushed out of the hotel room without another word to his partner.

Once the Uchiha had left, Kisame grinned. Who knew that he was such a great coach on romance?

* * *

Gaara and Kankurou were worried. 

Temari had arrived back in Sunagakure more than a week ago and had gone into a state of depression.

At first thinking that it was a temporary effect of traveling the long distance, the two boys left their older sister to do what she wished. However, now she had been home for a long period of time and still retained her gloomy disposition, the two brothers began wondering what was going on.

"Do you think it's contagious?" asked Kankurou. "They have different diseases in Konoha than we do, so we might not be immune to it."

"Hn," replied Gaara. "If she was sick, she would have gotten better by now. She has a more durable body than most other people. She _is _a ninja after all."

The older of the two thought about it. "Yeah, you're right. But then...what is it?"

The redhead shrugged.

"Maybe she actually _is _depressed?" the puppet-master suggested.

"Depressed over what?"

"Dammit, Gaara, I don't know! I'm just trying to find out what's wrong with Temari!"

At that precise moment, said girl made her way past the two boys sitting at the kitchen table, and to their fridge, picking out a small tub of ice cream.

Grabbing a spoon, she walked out the door without saying a word to her younger brothers, who had kept their eyes trained on her the entire time. She flopped down ungracefully onto their sofa, staring at their television set with dull eyes, spooning the cold confection into her mouth.

"Should I talk to her?" asked Kankurou.

The young Kazekage shook his head. "No, I'll do it. You'll probably make it worse." Before his older brother could open his mouth in protest, Gaara sat next to Temari on their living room couch.

"Onee-san, is there something you want to talk about?" he inquired in a rare show of affection for his sister.

The blonde sighed, "No…"

Glancing at the TV, the redhead noticed she was watching some old sappy romance in black and white.

"You have Kankurou and I worried, 'Mari-chan."

She sighed wearily again, this time wordlessly.

Gaara pressed further, "Did something happen in Konoha? Do you want me to stop sending you on these diplomatic missions?"

The older girl slowly shook her head, her eyes never leaving the screen.

Interrupting the failing conversation, Kankurou called from the kitchen, "Hey, Gaara! Shouldn't you be at the office by now?"

"Hn."

Suddenly, Temari jumped from the couch, screaming, "Shut up!!!" and throwing her ice cream, spoon and all, at her youngest brother.

Of course, his sand immediately flew up to protect him, but that didn't change the fact that Gaara was slightly freaked out since his sister just attacked him with ice cream.

"Uh…I have to go." And go he did.

As soon as he left, Kankurou walked in. "What was that, Temari? You just went ballistic on poor Gaara there."

The kunoichi glared, picking up her toppled ice cream and sitting back on the couch to watch the romance film.

"It was nothing."

"Temari…" The brown-haired teen sat next to his older sister. "If there's something wrong, just talk to Gaara or me. We're worried for you."

She unexpectedly cracked a smile. "Nothing's wrong, little bro. Just…tired. Yeah, tired of…everything."

"Okay… If you say so… Just remember that we're here for you. That's what annoying little brothers are for, right?" He grinned through his face paint.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." She flicked some ice cream at him, which he dodged with his _amazing_ ninja skills.

The doorbell rang, cutting short the precious brother-sister moment the siblings were sharing.

"I'll get it!" announced Kankurou, although it was obvious he would. Temari wasn't about to leave her cozy seat anytime soon.

When he answered the door, she heard her younger brother say, "Hi. How can I help you?"

The other speaker's voice was too quiet for her to pick up on what he or she was saying.

"Yeah, she's in," Kankurou answered the caller's unheard question. "By the way, can I ask for your name?" He paused, listening to the other person's response. "Whoa, your name means 'weasel'? That must su—"

"Weasel-san!" Temari cried, violently shoving her younger brother to the side and hugging the visitor tightly. "How are you?"

Itachi stumbled back slightly at her unpredicted tackle. "Hey."

She looked him over. He hadn't changed. But then again, it had been only a week. It's not like she was expecting him to sprout two more heads and a set of horns…although that would be very interesting indeed.

"Where's your cloak?" she asked, noticing the only difference on the man.

He scoffed, "We're in the _desert_. What do you think?"

"Oh…yeah…" She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly.

Off to the side and somewhat forgotten, Kankurou cleared his throat. "Hey, Temari. You mind introducing me to your boyfriend over there?"

Both immediately flushed. Temari more so than Itachi the Human Ice Cube, of course.

"He's not my boyfriend," she huffed.

The puppet master raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh. That's why you shoved me and jumped him like you haven't seen him in years. Oh, and ditched your depressed attitude."

Itachi looked curiously at the blonde when her brother said the last part. After all, it's not every day that someone goes depressed over the Uchiha prodigy. More like they go depressed _because_ of him. He snickered inwardly.

Back to the previous topic, he agreed with her, "We're not a couple."

"Fine, fine." Kankurou threw his hands up in defeat. Upon looking at Itachi once more, he said, "Hey, you look familiar."

Temari began to explain, "Yeah, he's one of the—"

"I'm no one in particular. In fact, I've never seen you before," the Akatsuki cut her off.

The blonde glared at him, but stopped when he hissed, "I'm a missing nin. I don't want to be discovered anytime soon."

"Really? I could've sworn you look a lot like that Uchiha brat. Oh, well." Kankurou shrugged.

"You have me mistaken."

An awkward silence ensued with each person glancing a little nervously at the next.

Breaking the ice, Temari asked, "Hey, Weasel-san, you want to come in?"

"Hn. Whatever," he replied and walked into the Sand Siblings living room. The kunoichi shook her head when she noted his eyes light up at the sight of her television set.

Kankurou winked at her and went to his room, doubtlessly to work on his newest puppet. She scowled, but joined Itachi on the sofa.

"How long are you staying?" she inquired.

His answer came quite unforeseen, "As long as I want."

"You're on vacation?"

"Something of the sort…"

The blonde raised an eyebrow. "Then shouldn't you be in like…Water Country? I hear they have nice beaches."

"Why on earth would I go to the beach for vacation?" Itachi asked in response.

"Why would you go to the _desert _for vacation?!!" she retorted.

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Temari. "Now, tell me. What are you really here for? It can't be to visit me, I'm sure."

He looked at her strangely, and the girl suddenly lost all the frustration she just had. Instead, she squirmed slightly under his intense gaze, feeling more uncomfortable by the second.

After what felt like hours (but was only 8.47 seconds in reality), Itachi whispered, almost inaudibly, "But…I _did _come here to see you…"

And awkwardness, once again, befell the pair in the form of silence, which was broken as the girl began giggling uncharacteristically.

"Well…this has gotten weird," Temari finally remarked, attempting to sustain her poorly muffled laughs.

"Hn." Great… The girl Itachi loved was laughing at him. That probably wasn't a good sign…

The blonde hugged him, interrupting his irritated thoughts. "That's really sweet of you, Weasel-san."

"Itachi."

"Bless you."

She moved to kiss his cheek.

Suddenly, he turned and caught her lips in his own. Temari's eyes widened significantly in evident surprise.

The Uchiha then, just as quickly as he connected with her, pulled away. The kiss had been short and sweet, but it made its point and had rendered the kunoichi rather speechless.

"You—I—" she spluttered.

"Hn. Don't talk. It will make this harder."

And he kissed her again. This time, however, she responded and kissed back, which resulted in him deepening it, to which she physically replied, and…well…you get the idea.

Of course, like all annoying little brothers, Kankurou decided this was a perfect moment to interrupt his older sister and her…_guest_.

"Hey, Temari, do you know where the screwdriver is?" he asked, clutching a blender at his side.

Itachi and Temari instinctively parted before he noticed, sitting at opposite ends of the couch and looking quite guilty.

"No."

Either purposefully ignoring or being completely oblivious to her annoyed tone, Kankurou continued speaking, "Oh, darn. I need to take this thing apart so I can use some of its parts." With that said, he wandered somewhere else in search for the missing screwdriver.

"Sorry… My little brothers are pains…but I love them, of course," she apologized.

"Hn. I was about to leave anyways."

"Oh…" Her disappointment at his words was echoed in her voice. "What hotel are you staying at?"

Itachi paused. He hadn't thought of that. He just wanted to come and tell her he loved her. But then again, he hadn't really said that he loved her. He only kissed her…and had a make-out session with her, though, he admitted (albeit a bit begrudgingly), he thoroughly enjoyed it. But he hadn't actually said those three important words: I, love, and you. And the 'and' didn't count as a word.

"You didn't prepare for all this, did you?"

The Uchiha scowled at the girl's amused tone.

"That's okay," Temari continued without an answer on his part, ignoring his heated stare. "You can stay with me. Unfortunately," she paused for effect, "we don't have a guest room. So you'll have to bunk with me…"

He wasn't about to decline the opportunity, but, not wanting to appear a pervert, replied instead, "Hn. Whatever."

The blonde grinned slyly, to which he could only shake his head. "Oh, don't be such a prick. You _know _you want to."

"We're not even an 'official' couple."

"Well, we aren't one until you ask me out, but you haven't done that. Yet, you still started making out with _me _on _my _couch in _my _house without _my _permission."

"Hn. Fine." Itachi paused, trying to choose the correct words. "Will…you be my uh…girlfriend…?" The prodigy looked at her, almost as though he was making sure he said it right.

"Of course!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck, thus effectively closing the gap between their bodies.

He gave her an exasperated look. "If you were going to say 'yes', like we both knew, then why did I have to ask?"

"Because it makes us an _official item_," she explained slowly, as though lecturing a child who was just caught stealing cookies right before dinner. Not really, but it was a good analogy.

"Whatever…"

Grinning cheekily, the blonde gave her boyfriend of approximately 3 minutes and 20.5 seconds a tour of her humble abode.

"And, last but most definitely not least, my room!" Temari announced.

"You're probably tired, so you can crash in there for now. I have missions to do, and I probably should tell my other brother that you're here. Otherwise, he might go a _little_ crazy when he finds a stranger sleeping in my bed…" she trailed off thoughtfully, leaving the rest to Itachi's imagination.

"Hn." He let himself into the room and lied down tentatively on her bed.

"Oi, Weasel-san—"

The Uchiha interrupted her, "Now that I'm your boyfriend, can you _please _call me 'Itachi'?"

"Call you _what_?!!"

* * *

Well, there's the kissing scene, requested by **ihaveprettysocks23**. I liked how it turned out, but that was damn hard to write... I swear, I will never criticize a poorly written kissing scene ever again. 

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. Of Nonsense and Insensitivity

**_Of Sneezes and Weasels_**

**Disclaimer: **Naruto and all its characters and plot elements belong to Mr. Masashi Kishimoto, not the fanfiction author by the name of **Mitsukai**.

**Author's Note: **About the title of this chapter... Well, Sense and Sensibility is a book written by Jane Austen (same woman who wrote Pride and Prejudice), and I loved the movie version (since I haven't yet read the book), so I made a play on the words, thus the title. It fits since this chapter, I admit, is mostly nonsense and the Sand Siblings plus the unfortunate Itachi being insensitive. And thus _Nonsense and Insensitivity_ was born.

* * *

**Chapter Six: Of Nonsense and Insensitivity**

"Temari!" our favorite redheaded, formerly demon-possessed Kazekage called to his dearest older sister.

"Yes, Gaara?" she asked sweetly, coming from her room with graceful and unusually coordinated steps.

"Who the hell is that?" The teenager was nervous, though he hid it well beneath his impassive mask. His blond sister was normally quite the klutz, so this newfound elegance was most certainly a bad omen.

Temari's teal eyes followed his slightly twitching index finger to where he was pointing—the raven-haired young man lounging on their couch watching television.

She laughed, "That's Weasel-kun!"

The man interjected, turning from his lax position, "Will you stop talking as though I'm not here? I can introduce myself, you know."

"No, you can't," the blonde replied haughtily.

Itachi rolled his eyes, adding in a low growl, "And when will you call me by my name? First, 'Weasel-san' and now 'Weasel-kun', but never _Itachi_. Is it really that hard to say?"

The Sand kunoichi tilted her head to the side in a curious manner. "Well, I'm definitely not going to sneeze each time I'm talking to you."

"Everyone, please. Kindly shut the hell up," Gaara 'politely' interrupted the impending argument between the other two, who begrudgingly complied. Giving both the man and the woman a stern look, though both were obviously older than he, the young Suna nin said, "Okay, 'Itachi', what are you doing in my house?"

"Our house, Gaara. _Our _house. I didn't split the charges with you and Kankurou for nothing," Temari interrupted although the question was not directed towards her.

Being the smart Kazekage he is, her youngest brother pointed out, "But I pay both you and Kankurou, and you two helped pay for the house. So, technically, since it's my money that finances you, I've paid for all the expenses."

"Whatever."

Now, Itachi, feeling rather ignored, finally butted into the conversation that he was initially supposed to participate in, "I'm a friend of Temari's."

"As in boyfriend?"

Temari shook her head at Gaara's interrogations. "No," she said. "Just a friend…who happens to be a boy. He'll be staying with me…and you and Kankurou, I guess…for the next few days or so…" In truth, the blonde didn't know how long the Uchiha had intended to 'visit' her.

"Whatever." The stoic redhead turned around and walked into the kitchen without another word.

Once he was sure both of the girl's younger brothers were out of earshot, Itachi asked, "Why didn't you tell him that I'm your boyfriend? Am I really that bad?"

"No! Of course not!" she immediately exclaimed. "I just… I just don't want Gaara or Kankurou to be given the need to pry into my personal life. They can be a bit…overprotective."

"Whatever." Echoing Gaara's word of departure, Itachi turned his attention back upon the television screen.

Frowning, Temari sat down next to her beau, staring intently at his pale face which greatly contrasted her suntanned one.

"What?" snapped the Uchiha, his eyes not leaving the singing crab on TV.

"You," was the blonde's simple reply. When he finally looked to her for an elaboration, she continued, "You suddenly seem more cranky than usual."

"Hn."

"Seriously!"

"Whatever."

Grabbing a pillow, the kunoichi began smothering Itachi in a playful attempt to suffocate him.

He easily caught the cushion and threw it over his shoulder. The motion resulted in the girl falling onto his lap, her stomach resting across his thighs.

"What the heck?" Kankurou walked over, clutching the previously thrown object. "I come out of my room, and I get hit in the face by a pillow?! All I wanted was to—"

The puppet master never did get to say what he wanted to do since he was immediately rendered speechless by the sight of his older sister laying across their guest's legs.

After a very awkward and long moment of silence that came with nervous glances to each other, the Sand shinobi finally said with a sly smirk, "_Sorry_. I didn't realize you two were…busy. Didn't mean to interrupt. I'll just leave you children to your activities," and he walked away, the smug expression never leaving his face.

"Dammit, Kankurou!" Temari screamed, scrambling off the Uchiha's lap. "Get your ass back here!"

"Nuh-uh, I think Itachi-san's enjoying where _your_ ass is right now!" he called back cheerfully. "I doubt he'll want me to join."

"I'm glad we agree," the Uchiha muttered in reference the latter sentence. The blond girl, however, mistook it for him speaking of the former instead and whacked him in the upper arm. "Ow! What the hell was that for woman?!"

"You should know!"

"What? Would _you _like your _brother's_ _ass_ in _your _lap?!"

Temari, whose eyes widened in realization, made a gagging noise in her throat. "Ew, Kami-sama, no."

"Now, that's just not nice, 'Mari-chan," whined Kankurou, who apparently hadn't actually left, but rather just walked to the other side of the room.

The youngest of the Sand Siblings then came from his spot in the kitchen, saying, "Everyone, just stop talking. You're giving me a damn migraine."

"Gaara! Tell 'Mari-chan to stop being mean!" the puppet master beseeched his younger brother in a playful, immature tone.

"Shut up, Kankurou," the redhead replied. "Just shut the hell up." With his very important, very essential-for-life-to-go-on words, the young Kazekage trudged to his room.

The elder of the two brothers frowned, crossing his arms and sighing before returning to do who-knows-what, who-knows-where.

At a questioning look from Itachi, Temari answered his unheard question, "Gaara's like that all the time. He's being quite polite right now, truthfully. Kankurou's just upset that he can't win any arguments against Gaara. But don't worry—it's been like this since they could talk…although it's not quite as violent as it used to be…" The kunoichi trailed off in thought.

"Hn."

"I totally agree."

By now, the Uchiha was very used to Temari's nonsensical comments, so he just left her without a reply.

The blonde suddenly leapt up, grabbing the collar of his shirt, rather violently shaking him, and screaming into his face with false panic, "Kami-sama! Weasel-san doesn't have a snide remark?!! Did you lose your voice? My goodness, speak to me!"

Tugging away from the overreacting girl, Itachi rolled his onyx eyes. "You are so strange."

"Well, you're weird."

The prodigy remained silent.

"Thank you for agreeing," Temari said with a cheeky grin.

"Whatever." With that not quite famous word said, he turned back to his show with faked interest.

The kunoichi, being the sensible person that she is, saw past his feigned concentration on the television screen. After all, who would be paying so much attention to an orange crab who was singing very out of tune and dancing across a kitchen counter? Well…maybe _some _people would…but _Itachi_?!!

"What is this shit you're watching?" she finally asked in irritation.

After a slight pause, he answered with a sigh, "I honestly don't know."

"Nice, you smartass," she sneered playfully.

"Shut up," he paused, thinking, "dumbass."

"What?!!"

"You called me 'smartass', so I had to return the favor. Of course, I had to alter it so it would fit you more," Itachi replied calmly, strongly contrasting the fuming blonde.

"I wouldn't be one to talk, _Weasel-kun_," the Suna nin retorted.

"…Itachi…" he muttered.

"Bless you," replied a now very happy Temari. "Speaking of weasels, what do you want to do?"

The elder of the Uchiha brothers stared. "That made no sense at all."

The kunoichi shrugged. "So?"

"Never mind." He shook his head.

"What do you want to do?" she repeated her question.

"Anything. Nothing. I don't care," Itachi answered indifferently.

"That is _so _not romantic," the blonde muttered. Not that she actually minded. All those cheesy love-at-first-sight and flirting things were completely superficial and were never about to happen in real life. Speaking up, she inquired mischievously, "So you wouldn't mind if I made you try on pink kimonos for me?"

Eyes widening, the Uchiha finally decided, "I guess you could show me around the village—"

Without letting him contemplate the possibly dangerous thought, Temari grasped his wrist and pulled him out of the house. "This is the best time to go outside," she claimed happily. "The shops are just about to close up, the streets aren't as crowded, it's not so hot, and—Kami-sama, look!"

Following her excitedly pointing finger, Itachi saw what had caused her to gasp and forget about what she had been saying earlier—the stunning, bright orange sunset over the darkening desert.

Smiling softly, the kunoichi whispered softly, "I've grown up with it there every day, but it takes my breath away each time. I'll never get tired of it."

He was surprised by her abnormally peaceful tone, much different than her usual mirthful and rambunctious attitude.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she asked, as though oblivious to Itachi's silence.

"Yeah," he admitted his accord.

Temari uncharacteristically sighed dreamily, "Absolutely romantic."

Something clicked in the Uchiha's head. He didn't like where this was going.

She turned and faced him. "I love you."

Itachi opened his mouth to respond with the same words, but the blonde cut him off by adding with a teasing grin, "Weasel-kun."

He inwardly groaned. "You ruined the mood, 'Mari-chan."

"Oh? Sorry, I didn't know you were one for that type of thing," she laughed.

"Hn."

"Jeez, you don't have to be so rude about it."

Shaking his head, Itachi ignored her remark and focused on the beauty before him. And no, he wasn't looking at the gradually disappearing sun. The _other _beauty was what he stared almost tenderly at.

After a while, he murmured, "Temari…" She averted her gaze from the view when she heard her name spoken. He continued quietly, "I love you, too."

She stared at him, almost disbelievingly. It was once prophesized many years ago that when Uchiha Itachi professed his love to someone, hell would freeze over. Apparently, hell would have to undergo a relocation process to some other underground, fiery, burning place. Like in the heart of a volcano.

"I…" she began to say, but was abruptly silenced by soft lips upon her own.

And they… Well… Oh, just use your imagination!

* * *

Upon returning to Temari's humble home (which was, in actuality, a rather large house due to Gaara's immense and continuously growing wealth from his Kazekage duties), the loving pair were bombarded with questions from her two brothers. Meaning Kankurou did all the asking, and Gaara watched from the sidelines with an amused smirk and a raised eyebrow. 

"So what happened, Nee-chan? Huh? Huh?" the elder brother asked excitedly. He turned to Itachi. "Did you do anything to her? I swear, if you hurt her, I'll—"

"I didn't do anything," the Uchiha blandly cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say," the younger man growled, not losing his suspicions.

"Hn," retorted Itachi.

"Hn," Gaara thoroughly agreed.

"Haha!" laughed Temari.

"What?" wondered Kankurou.

Itachi explained, "Hn."

Gaara elaborated, "Hn."

"Yeah!" Temari wrapped up.

"What?" repeated Kankurou.

"Hn—Oh, never mind." The Uchiha stalked off to wherever. That wherever coincidentally happened to be the couch that lay in front of the Sand siblings' flat screen television.

"If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that you followed me all the way to Suna for my television," the blonde snorted.

Much to her irritation, both of her younger brothers joined her lover on the couch, staring at the little stick figures running across the screen.

"Fine!" Temari threw her arms up in exasperated resignation. "I give up! I'll just let you three rot on the couch to the end of your days!" Upon receiving no answer from the television trio, she sighed and boarded herself up in her room.

"You might want to go in there and talk with her," said Kankurou, still staring at the now headless stick figure. "Or else she might make you sleep on the couch."

Now, Itachi couldn't see anything wrong with sleeping on the couch—it was in front of the telly!—but from a sharp look from the two brothers, he reluctantly dragged himself out of his rather comfortable position and trudged towards the bedroom, contemplating what apologetic and/or consoling words he could speak to her. Unfortunately, his contemplations did not help him at all, and the prodigy walked unsurely into the room, still wondering what he should say.

When he opened the bedroom door, the Uchiha was met by a violent tackle that sent him right back out into the hallway.

"Weasel-kun!" Her voice was sweetened to the point of sickening.

"…Temari…"

"You're not going to watch?"

"I guess not." It's not like he had a choice in the matter.

"Good."

He sighed.

"What was that?" Temari inquired.

"…Nothing…"

"Well, you sound enthusiastic," she said sarcastically. "I thought you wanted to see me."

"I did—I mean, I do!—want to see you," Itachi quickly amended his mistake.

"Right. And I'm hopelessly in love with you."

"Are you saying you aren't now?"

"Nope."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

At his teasing comment, Temari exclaimed, "Hey! I resent that!"

Smirking, he just gave an evil "Hn" and walked back out of the door.

"Hey, 'Tachi-san, do you know how to cook?" Kankurou asked the slightly older man as he re-entered the living room.

"Do I look like a maid to you?"

"Well…no…but none of us know how to cook!"

"Get Temari to do it!" The Uchiha was getting irritated by the girl's younger brothers.

"Hell no!" the puppeteer exclaimed. "She's worse than me and Gaara combined!"

"Incompetent fools," he muttered before giving in to the aggravating teenager and going to make them dinner. If both Kankurou _and _Gaara were scared of Temari's cooking, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know why.

An hour or so later, the blond heroine of this story walked in on her raven-haired boyfriend clad in a yellow apron and stirring something that smelled absolutely (and slightly disturbingly) delicious. It would be an understatement to say that Temari was simply speechless. In fact, she was the opposite of speechless.

"You…COOK?!!" she shrieked loudly and uncharacteristically, subsequently laughing her ass off at the amusing sight.

"Is there a problem?" he asked casually, brushing off her ridicules. "From what I gather, I probably cook better than you do."

She glared daggers. Not literal daggers, of course. Figurative ones… I mean, you can't really go around glaring knives at people…unless you have telekinesis or something.

Ignoring her heated gaze, he continued, "Besides, having a shark as your partner means lots and lots of sushi. So, if I ever wanted something else, I would have to make it myself. That is, unless I let our bomb expert cook. But I don't have the tongue for meat burned to its crisp." Oh, how Kisame loved his raw fish and Deidara adored cooking both meat and vegetables to ashes. "And Hidan like anything as long as it's cooked _extremely_ rare, as in not cooked, and Kakuzu just wants the cheapest edible thing on the market."

The kunoichi, having never heard of these people Itachi was muttering about, was thoroughly confused. "Hidan? Kakuzu? _Shark partners_?!! What kind of a cult were _you _a part of?"

"Organization," he corrected with an eye roll. "A cult would be something Hidan's a part of. Him and his damn Jashin-ism."

"Jashin?" Temari inquired. "Isn't that the dude who those overly religious people go sacrifice to and do that crazy ritual so they can go to heaven?"

"Yeah. It's pretty bloody too," Itachi sighed wistfully in memory of his poor, poor down comforter. May it and its feathery softness rest in peace.

"Are you sure your not part of a cult, Weasel-kun?"

"I am absolutely _positive _that I am _not_ part of a cult."

"Oh. Okay, then." She almost sounded relieved.

Entering the kitchen with deliberate steps, Gaara said, "Kankurou's been bugging me asking if the food's done… He won't shut up! Please tell me that it's ready." His eyes were pleading, as though he were almost begging that he wouldn't have to suffer any longer under his older brother.

"Wow, my baby brother said 'please'. It _must_ be pretty bad." With a grin, Temari turned to her companion. "Is it ready?"

Checking the time, Itachi replied, "Yeah. Get out the plates."

Gaara, too relieved to argue, happily (or as close to happily as he could get) obliged and set the table with his older sister's assistance.

"Kankurou!" she called. "Get your lazy ass in here! Dinner's ready!"

The grateful puppeteer made his way into the room. "Thank goodness! I'm starving!!!"

Temari whacked him in the back of his head. "You didn't even help!"

"I'm glad I didn't!" he snorted. "Who knows what you and Itachi did in the kitchen while you were _alone_."

"Arrogant jerk of a little brother," the blonde grumbled. Suddenly, the entirety of the words sunk in. "_WHAT_?!!"

Snubbing the older girl, Kankurou complimented Itachi's cooking skills. "This is really good."

"Whatever," the Uchiha said in disregard. He and Gaara were too busy having a glaring contest. Unfortunately for him, the younger redhead was winning. He grimaced, remembering Temari's warning of going against her youngest brother in a match of death glares.

Breaking his gaze from the Kazekage, Itachi quickly finished his meal and walked off, feeling very satisfied. Unbeknownst to him, a certain blond kunoichi followed him.

"Tired, Weasel-kun?"

"Yeah. Cooking enough food for two teenage boys is exhausting." She grinned at his almost undetectable playful tone.

"I do it daily."

"Very poorly, though, according them."

"Hey!" she cried out in indignation. "That was harsh!"

"I do try."

"Humph," she huffed, crossing her slender arms.

"Hn."

"Stop saying that!"

He couldn't help but smirk a smirk which the kunoichi would later admit was a rather sexy smirk. "Hn."

"Argh!!!" Temari threw her hands up in reluctant defeat.


	7. Of Stories and Endings

**_Of Sneezes and Weasels_**

**Disclaimer: **Masashi Kishimoto didn't give me _Naruto _for my birthday like I asked, so I still don't own it.

**Author's Note: **Wow...the FINAL chapter... I never thought I would make it this far. I always thought this would be one of the stories that gets about a review a month for...well...like three months, and is forgotten for the rest of its time here on Being my first multi-chapter as well as the first ever fic of mine that has received people asking for updates, this thing is my, for lack of a better word, baby. Yes, my baby is a fanfiction featuring two-dimensional characters from the anime _Naruto_. God, I crack myself up.

**Warning: **Contains the overly played past of Itachi as told by Itachi. Be prepared to hear the story of the Uchiha massacre for the 48,019th time.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Of Stories and Endings**

"Weasel-kun."

The man in question did not reply.

"Weasel-kun."

He ignored her.

"_Weasel-kun_."

Actually, he gave no indication that he had even heard her.

"WEASEL-KUN!!!"

"What?" Itachi finally responded, albeit a bit reluctantly.

Glaring, the blond kunoichi answered, "Your face."

Already dressed in his Kazekage robes, Gaara passed and said, "That was pathetic, Temari," before walking out the door.

A scowl now joining her heated glare, Temari crossed her arms impudently with a light huff. Her boyfriend just rolled his eyes.

After a moment or so in silence, he finally remarked, "You know, he's right. That was pretty pathetic, especially for you, and that is a miracle in itself."

Kankurou, also prepared for the day with his black cat-hood and purple kabuki face paint and running after his younger brother through the door, agreed, "Yup. That was really sad."

"What the hell? Why is everyone against me?!!"

"Because it was one of the most _pathetic_ things any of us have seen in our lives," Itachi replied for him, Gaara, and Kankurou, seeing as the latter two could not answer themselves because they were not present any longer unless they could somehow send astral projections like the Akatsuki Leader, which is rather doubtful.

"Whatever." Her scowl deepened. "Anyways, I was just wondering—"

"About what?"

Her eye twitched at his interruption. "About you."

The Uchiha turned his head towards her, raising a curious eyebrow. "What about me?"

Temari smirked. Ah, yes. What about him? Especially that sexy ass… Mm…

Ignoring her slightly perverted inner thoughts and sucking in the almost seeping drool, the blonde instead answered, "Everything," which was still quite suggestive if one has as demented a mind as some might. (-coughs-)

"Everything?" he echoed skeptically.

"Well, you know. You know so much about me, yet I know so little about you," she explained. "Actually, I think I know more about your teammates than I know about you, Weasel-kun."

Itachi fully turned his body around to directly face the kunoichi. "What do you want to know about me, then?"

"Everything!" she repeated. "Your likes, your dislikes, past, your family and friends," he winced inwardly at that, "hobbies, collections, deceased pet goldfish—"

"I didn't have any goldfish…"

"That's beside the point!" Temari shouted exasperatedly at his second interruption. "I just want you to tell me about…well…_you _for once!"

"Okay, okay," the prodigy said, holding his hands up in defense. "Just let me figure out on where to begin."

He stood, thinking, and the blonde watched him intently, waiting patiently.

"Do I have to?" Itachi asked, sulking morosely.

Temari rolled her eyes. "_Yes_, you damn have to."

"But…_why_?"

"Because I said so!" He winced at her unusually logical answer. After all, no one would like to face the full wrath of the blond Sand kunoichi in her foulest of moods.

"Fine…" the Uchiha sighed acquiescently. "This will take a while." And then, Itachi went into his uber-cool and occasionally boring storyteller mode.

* * *

_As soon as I was born, my father took it upon himself to make the heir to the Uchiha clan the most powerful of shinobi. I began training at an early age, and I had soon graduated from the Konoha Academy with the top grades at the age of seven. By the next year, I had mastered my Sharingan. When I was ten, I passed the Chuunin Exams, and I became an ANBU squad leader at thirteen. I had exceeded the hopes of my clan._

_My father was constantly urging me to become better, ignoring my younger brother, Sasuke. Sometimes, he would completely 'forget' about important events, such as Sasuke's entrance ceremony to the Academy. My father focused on me, not out of love but rather to nurse the clan's relationship with the village since I was their main connection._

_And so, being more of an accommodation than a person to the clan, I was treated with enough respect, but none sincere. Except from my little brother._

_It was then, half a year after my ANBU initiation, that I decided to take action upon the failings of the Uchiha clan. You see, they had become too withdrawn from Konoha, thus not knowing of their limits since the only people the trained with were others from the Uchiha family. None knew their own capacity, but it wouldn't have mattered since their capacity wasn't all that impressive anyways, for the Uchiha clan had grown weak from their overconfidence in their abilities. _

_They seemed to have forgotten that just because the Uchiha clan was among the most prestigious of clans, that didn't mean we were the strongest. Yes, many exceptional shinobi did come from our family, but there are many other exceptional ninja who came from others or none at all. For example—the Hokage. Not a single one of Konohagakure's shinobi leaders came from our clan, yet we still deemed ourselves the strongest when, in actuality, the only thing we were best at was perhaps arrogance. Of course, the Hyuuga clan was plenty competition for that title, but we still had our exclusive bloodline limit—the Sharingan._

_Anyways, it was then that I decided the clan was hopeless. Those who are hopeless tend to be a hindrance, so I eliminated whatever was holding me back. Soon after, I murdered the entire clan, except for my younger brother Sasuke. I spared him because since he was young, he still had the ability to expand his capacity until he actually proved a challenge for me. Besides, I saw more skill and determination budding in him than I had ever seen in anyone else, except for maybe Shisui. But I needed to expand my own capacity, so I killed him for the Mangekyou._

_Once the deed was done, I left Konohagakure and joined the Akatsuki, a criminal organization consisting of S-ranked nukenin from all over the continent. Our goal: world domination through the obtaining of the tailed beasts. We already have some of them, but the prize we want the most is the Kyuubi which is contained in Uzumaki Naruto as you probably know. We haven't gotten that one just quite yet, but among the ones that we have retrieved is the Ichibi, the demon sealed in your brother.

* * *

_

Itachi looked up at Temari, almost apologetically if he were capable of such emotions. "There. I told you everything I know about myself."

The blonde stared at him. "You know, I would have been satisfied if you told me what your favorite color was. You didn't have to spill your entire life story to me," she said after a few moments of silence.

"You deserve to know the truth," he replied. "I couldn't keep it from you any longer, and you were bound to find out anyhow."

The kunoichi smirked. "Aw… How noble of you. I never knew one from the Uchiha clan could be so sweet."

"Hn. Shouldn't you be mad at me?"

"Should I?"

"I'm part of the organization that killed your brother. I would think it would be natural if you felt some sort of hatred towards me. Strong dislike at the least."

She sighed. "When you told me the truth, which I'm glad you did, I tried to hate you. I tried to despise you with every element of my being, but I just can't bring myself to do it."

"So you don't hate me?" The Uchiha's tone was very confused.

"I would if I could. But I just can't seem to hate you," Temari admitted, a soft smile creeping onto her tanned features. "I guess I love you too much. Eh, Weasel-kun? Besides, Gaara was an evil little bugger too when he still had Shukaku… Well, before he met that hyper blond brat. Then he was alright."

He gave her an unconvinced look and apologized, "I'm sorry, Temari. For your brother, I mean. I'm sure it was a blow to you…" But he _wasn't_ sure. A man who had killed his family wouldn't exactly understand the pain of losing a family member. Unless he was insane, that is. Although, that did seem a very likely prospect.

"It's okay. As far as I know, it was those guys Deidara and Akasuna no Sasori who killed him." When Itachi opened his mouth, she held up her hand, interrupting, "No, I don't want to hear it—about how Gaara died and who killed him."

The _great_ Uchiha Itachi was reduced to nodding submissively.

"So, tell me, Deidara is the one who says 'yeah' all the time, right? He sounds annoying."

"He _is _annoying. And feminine."

Temari laughed at that. "I have got to see pictures of him someday!"

"You don't want to…" he responded with a shudder.

"Okay, okay. I probably don't, anyhow. Girly men aren't exactly my idea of entertainment." The blonde's eye twitched at the slightly (just slightly) disturbing thought.

"EW!" she screeched, falling backwards out of her seat.

Itachi raised an eyebrow at her unforeseen outburst. "Was that completely necessary?"

The kunoichi didn't answer and stared at him with a glazed expression.

The Uchiha then decided he didn't want to know.

* * *

"Kankurou, what the hell are we doing?" a certain, irritated Kazekage asked his older brother. 

"Sh!" hissed the puppet master, his face practically glued to the window. Metaphorically, of course. It would be rather uncomfortable to have your face literally glued to a window…

Anyhow, the certain irritated Kazekage, who we may now recognize as Gaara, said, "I don't know why you want to spy on Temari, but whatever it is, I will take no part in it. I have more important things to do."

"Uh-huh. Right. Like your so very entertaining paperwork?"

The redhead's eye twitched. "Shut up."

"Oh, c'mon!" Kankurou sighed. "Don't _you _want to know why that Weasel guy has been staying for so long and has been staying in _Temari's room_? She doesn't even let _me _into her room! Why would she let a stranger in over her own brother?"

"The answer to that is obvious, Kankurou," responded Gaara. "Look, she probably has her reasons not to tell us the complete truth, and you know what she does when she catches us spying…"

Kankurou shivered slightly at the not-quite-forgotten memory, but continued his attempt to goad his younger brother into their self-appointed reconnaissance mission. "You are such a stick in the mud…"

"I am not," muttered said 'stick in the mud' with an especially evil glare.

Amending before he died a very gruesome death, the puppet master raised his hands up defensively. "Fine, fine, you're not. Jeez, it was a joke."

"Whatever. I have missions to assign—"

"Which is why I took the liberty of getting Baki-sensei to do it," Kankurou finished for Gaara. "Besides," he continued as he pulled out a camera from nowhere, "this is a great opportunity for blackmail!"

"Where the hell did that camera come from?"

Kankurou grinned. "From a mommy and a daddy camera."

Gaara chose not to reply to his older brother's statement.

Holding the photographic device up to Temari's window, Kankurou snickered quietly to himself. Gaara just stood there, not really wanting to take part, but curious nonetheless. After all, wouldn't anyone be curious if their older sister was having an affair behind their back, yet underneath their roof? Oh, dear, what _has _been going on underneath their roof?

Gaara's eye twitched.

* * *

"I know I seem a cold-blooded murderer in your eyes, but I killed my clan because they were weak. In this world, the weak die, so I simply brought the inevitable upon them quicker. I wanted to rebuild the Uchiha clan so that it could live up to the name my predecessors had strived to achieve." 

After his speech, Temari stared at Itachi. "_What_?"

He rolled his eyes. "I want you to help me rebuild the Uchiha clan."

The blond kunoichi choked. "Is that your twisted way of saying you want to have sex?"

Thankfully, a distraction from the somewhat disturbing conversation popped up, in the form of—

"Get the hell away from my window!" she screamed, throwing said item up and leaping out with her fan in hand.

—annoying little brothers.

Itachi, who was slightly confused at the turn of events (especially since he wasn't anywhere near the window), heard a not-too-subtle "Oh, shit!" and a louder "Shut up!" and a yet louder "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Ah, the joys of family. Wait, his only family hated him. Nevermind then.

Poking his head out of the open window, his dark eyes were met with the amusing sight of Kankurou leaping over a fence (and getting his foot caught, which resulted in him falling over onto the other side). Gaara was nowhere to be seen (Itachi would later learn that Gaara, despite his lack of taijutsu skills, was an excellent sprinter when need be), and Temari was calmly climbing back into her (and his) room through the window.

"Have fun?" he inquired.

She smirked. "Yup. What were you saying before I ran out?"

Sifting his hands through his pockets, Itachi procured a small, black velvet box. "Marry me?"

Jeez, for one of his supposed ingenuity, you would have thought that he would have done something more original. Or cool, at least.

For about the 314th time that day, Temari stared at the man standing before her. Yeah, that's right. Standing, not the traditional and much more romantic kneeling. In fact, he wasn't even holding the opened box out with pleading eyes. Instead, he had plucked the ring from its cushion and was already sliding it onto her finger.

"Hey!" The kunoichi had finally recovered from her dazed state. "I never said 'yes'!"

"Are you implying that you would've said 'no' had I given you the chance?"

"Well…no…but—"

"Enough said. We're getting married."

Getting over her initial indignation, Temari uncharacteristically squealed and wrapped her arms around Itachi's neck. "We're fiancées now!" she exclaimed joyously.

"I love you." Cue the overly clichéd three-word sentence.

"I love you, too, Weasel-kun!" Her reply came totally unexpected. Kindly note the sarcasm.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?" The blonde's tone was all too innocent.

"The Weasel-kun thing."

"But it's your name!"

"My name is Itachi."

"Bless you. What were you going to say your name was?"

"Itachi."

"Bless you. Jeez, do you have a cold coming up? Hold on, that wouldn't make any sense at all 'cause we're in the desert…"

"Kami-sama, woman! My name's Itachi!"

"It is…?"

After a silence in which he glared at the offending blonde, Itachi eventually muttered, "I hate you."

"But you said you loved me, Weasel-kun! You even proposed!"

"Shut up, soy sauce."

"_Temari_, not Tamari!"

"Itachi, not Weasel!"

"I never said 'weasel'; I always said 'Weasel-san' or 'Weasel-kun'!"

And so on and so forth.

Later, at dinner (which Itachi had cooked again), the newly engaged couple had at last ceased their so very endearing banter. Kankurou and Gaara, both of whom 'mysteriously' acquired scratches and bruises, glared silently at Temari.

* * *

Kisame's tooth cleansing ritual was once again interrupted, this time by an excessive knocking at his, and formerly Itachi's, hotel room door. 

"Raff puu doo fauft?" he asked the caller, his sharky mouth still filled with bubbly toothpaste.

"Ew, yeah," said our favorite blond, speech-impaired, former Iwa-nin, who we all commonly know as –insert surname- Deidara. "Wash out your mouth before you talk."

Spitting spitefully onto the ground near Deidara's feet (there is just no love in the Akatsuki, sadly), Kisame repeated coherently, "What do you want?"

"Actually, I didn't want anything. Tobi here wanted something, yeah."

The masked…man? boy? nodded his head enthusiastically. "Itachi-san must've cooled off by now, so we wanted to see ask about his G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D."

Hidan, who was standing behind Tobi and Deidara with is partner, rolled his eyes. "For the last time, dipshit, girlfriend is not a bad word."

"But it has to do with G-I-R-L-Z, and G-I-R-L-Z are icky!"

"Dumbass. You spelled 'girls' wrong."

Deidara sighed. "I can't believe you are my partner, Tobi, yeah."

"I know! I can't believe I get to be your partner either, senpai!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, completely and utterly misinterpreting the explosionist's meaning.

Meanwhile, Kisame was groaning at his growing headache, avidly rubbing his temples to ease the increasing annoyance. "Shut up!" he finally shouted to the quarrelling foursome (Kakuzu had joined in somewhere).

When the other missing nin had graciously quieted, he said, "Itachi's not here. He went on a personal mission and won't be back for a while. In fact, I don't even know if he's going to be back at all."

Cue the awkward silence.

"Personal mission, yeah?" Damn it, Deidara, you ruined the cue!

Hidan chuckled. "Sounds like he's going to fuck that blonde."

Tobi gasped and scolded, "Don't say that word, Hidan-san!"

"I'll say whatever the hell I fucking want to," the religious man retorted. "Jashin-sama's on my side, so only _you _idiots have to watch out with your blasphemy."

"Hidan, kindly shut the hell up. I don't want to hear another one of your religious tirades," Kakuzu snarled.

"_That's _exactly what I'm talking about!" exclaimed his partner. "With that attitude, you're all going to burn in hell while I laugh at you from heaven."

"Am I really going to hell, Deidara-senpai?" Tobi asked, his voice indicating that he was possibly about to cry.

"Don't worry. You're too stupid to go to hell, yeah," the blonde replied. "I don't think you could get in, even if you tried."

"Okey dokey!" The masked…_person's _annoyingly cheerful intonation had returned.

Kisame rubbed his temples again, considering locking himself in the bathroom to brush his pointy teeth in peaceful silence.

* * *

Sitting together on the roof of their house in the moonlight were Temari and Itachi. While staring at the sky was Shikamaru's forte and staying up late was Gaara's, the couple was enjoying the other's company immensely. 

The kunoichi's head was in the prodigy's lap, and he ran his hand gently through her hair, which had been let down in one of its rare moments.

Itachi smiled softly at how close to perfect Temari was, yet she was the farthest thing from it. Her hair was blonde, but in a sandy way, and was incredibly thick. Her eyes were a sharp, dark blue, rather than the soft azure often imagined by some people. Her smooth skin was the farthest thing from fair and delicate, being hardened and tanned by the desert climate. And her personality… Oh, how he could go on about her fiery disposition.

Anyways, Temari thought mirthfully on how she ended up with an Akatsuki member, and an Uchiha at that. After what another Akatsuki and another Uchiha did to her youngest brother, she should hate a combination of the two, but for some reason, she loved Itachi. It was probably 'cause he's cool like that. Yeah…

And while those two were busy thinking about each other, Kisame was thinking about how to throw four certain nukenin out of his hotel room.

Returning to the couple in love, Itachi repeated his words of earlier in the day, "I love you," because he's so original like that.

Temari responded, her eyelids drooping, "I love you, too…Weasel-kun."

"Itachi."

He waited for her usual reply but was met with (sweet?) silence. When he looked down to view her face, he saw that the blonde had fallen asleep.

The Uchiha smiled once more, glad that for once she didn't argue about his name.

That is, until he heard Temari murmur softly in her sleep with a smirk gracing her lips, "Bless you."

* * *

**A Final Word to the Readers: **Yay! A nice fluffy ending! At least I hope it was nice... Anyhow, yes, I brought the Akatsuki gang back in. And I included that loving, dysfunctional family of Temari's! Hm... I don't believe I have any regrets at all, except for those spelling and grammar mistakes I've made. Sorry about those. But I'm so glad that this story has received a majority of positive reviews! Thank you, my wonderful supporters and reviewers! It's been a pleasure writing for you, and I hope you enjoyed the story! 

PS- There might be an epilogue or one-shot sequel, but only if people want it _and_ when I'm finished with my upcoming one-shots.


	8. Epilogue

**_Of Sneezes and Weasels_**

**Disclaimer:** Neither _Naruto _nor Crayola Model Magic nor Twister belong to **Mitsukai**. **Mitsukai **does, however, own this story, a tub of dry Model Magic, and a dysfunctional Twister mat.

**Author's Note:** I am _so _sorry that this took FOREVER to get out, but I had this MAJOR writer's block, and applications were taking up a ton of my time. Anyhow, this is the end result, which I think of as just okay, but it's satisfactory enough. After this, there will unfortunately be no sequel because I am clean out of ideas for this story.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Epilogue: Of Intruding Brothers and Knocking**

Temari and Itachi were happily living together but a few months after their engagement. The Mr. and soon-to-be Mrs. Uchiha moved out of the house, leaving a somewhat relieved Kankurou and an irritated Gaara behind.

Itachi retired from the Akatsuki, but he lent a helping hand every now and then when they were in dire need of his services…which actually happened quite often.

Before he officially left, he introduced Temari to all the members, which resulted in rather drastic consequences that included Deidara being smacked numerous times, Tobi's mask getting cracked (they were confused to find yet another mask beneath the first), Kakuzu's piggy bank being smashed open with a sledgehammer, Hidan impaled experimentally by his own pike around seventeen times, Kisame's hair dyed a bright purple (in addition to his toothpaste being thrown away), and Zetsu's plant appendages receiving an expert pruning.

All courtesy of Temari.

The leader and the unnamed member were off to who-knows-where for who-knows-what, so they were the lucky exceptions to the blonde's rampage of destruction.

The group of missing-nin would occasionally visit the new couple's home from time to time. When Deidara first came a-calling, Temari grabbed his ponytail and dragged him to the Kazekage's office, ordering him to apologize to Gaara for 'killing' him. Upon their unforeseen entrance, the redhead instinctively wrapped Deidara in his sand as soon as he sighted the blond man. Fortunately for the self-proclaimed artist, the Sand kunoichi stopped her youngest brother from squeezing him into microscopic molecules.

His 'sorry' said, Deidara ran like hell away from the slightly psychopathic Sand Siblings.

The Akatsuki couldn't exactly say that they missed Itachi—he was the coldest ice cube they had ever met—and he wouldn't say he missed them either, but they never really forgot about each other. And all of the S-class criminals received a birthday present from the Uchiha and his new fiancée.

Tobi got a new mask. "Yay!" he had cheered. He seemed to forget that his good eye was on the right, not the left…

Deidara was granted with ten pounds of Crayola Model Magic. And some nitroglycerin. They wondered where the married couple had gotten the explosive fluid.

Much to his ire, Hidan received a bottle of mousse. The one for hair, not the chocolate one. And some strawberry-scented hairspray.

Kakuzu was given a new piggy bank.

Zetsu got a vase of red roses, which had a suspicious pink heart scribbled over on the attached card. And, if one looked closely beneath the 'Happy Birthday!', one could read 'Happy Valentine's Day!'

Leader-sama and the unnamed member, since neither Itachi nor Temari knew too much about the mysterious pair, both were given socks.

Thus was their dysfunctional long-distance relationship with Itachi's adoptive, mostly male 'family'. Temari wondered how none of them were gay yet…

If the Akatsuki was the family from out of the country, Gaara and Kankurou were practically their next-door neighbors. Wait…they _were _the next-door neighbors! As it turned out, the engaged couple had moved out of the house, but their new purchase was right next to their former dwelling. Odd, isn't it?

Anyhow, being the good next-door neighbors that they were, the two brothers gave friendly rules the couple would have to follow in order to preserve the neighborhood peace.

Kankurou suggested sound-proof walls.

Gaara proposed abstinence (to which the elder brother called him a prude).

In response, Temari recommended shutting the hell up before she killed someone or got Itachi to do it for her. Ah, the love of family!

Thus, the rather tender subject was soundly dropped by the two brothers. Still, being the overprotective younger siblings they were, Gaara and Kankurou would check on their sister every now and then…without knocking, much to the couple's distress. Gaara was pleased to discover yet another perk at being a Kazekage.

No longer would locks stand in his way. Muahaha.

Anyways, since neither of the teens knocked, they would often walk into some rather…_interesting _scenes. As in, Temari slipping on a rug and sliding into the kitchen on her stomach or Itachi tripping down the stairs and perfectly executing a face-plant.

And here we find Gaara and Kankurou, after a good day's work filled with handing out missions and avoiding the ever-rabid fangirls, walking up to Temari's house for dinner, due to their less than exceptional cooking skills.

Simultaneously, they both mentally thanked Kami-sama that she had married Itachi.

The young Kazekage used his sand to unlock the door, and the two brothers marched in without invitation.

Kankurou called out, "Hey, Tem—mmph!"

Gaara swiftly placed his hand over his older brother's mouth to muffle the noise. "Shh!" he hissed. "Hear that?"

The puppet master paused, listening. He heard a thud. Wriggling from Gaara's grip, he whispered, "What is that?"

The redhead shrugged.

Another thud.

"Maybe we should go check it out." Genius, Kankurou. Pure genius. The readers applaud you and your superior intellect.

"Hn."

The diabolical duo tiptoed up the stairs to find that the suspicious thuds were coming from the room shared by Itachi and Temari.

Pressing their ears against the door, they began eavesdropping, apparently having not learned from their last experience despite their 'battle' scars.

"Weasel-kun, I can't put my hand there!" they heard their sister exclaim. (Evidently, she hadn't gotten out of the endearing habit of calling the Uchiha by his affectionate nickname.)

"Yes, you can," the man urged, now used to ignoring her use of the moniker. "C'mon, right there. Right between my legs."

A light grunt was emitted by Temari. "I can't reach!"

"Just a little farther…"

"Your leg's in the way!"

"Is not. Here, let me help you."

"Hey! That's my thigh you're grabbing!"

"Hn. Do you want to do this or not?"

Silence…

"Oh! I got it through!"

"Took you long enough."

Not wanting to hear more, Gaara and Kankurou burst into the room.

"HOW DARE YOU DEFILE MY SISTER!" Gaara roared in outrage.

Temari and Itachi stared up from the Twister mat they had entangled themselves on, their limbs linked together in a human knot.

An awkward silence ensued.

"Uh…left foot, green?" Kankurou said sheepishly.

Temari pulled her legs from under Itachi and stood up. Both brothers could feel the rage she was emanating.

"Get…the _hell_…out of MY ROOM!" Hurling her younger siblings into the hall unceremoniously, the angry blonde thrust the door shut with a loud bang.

The raven-haired man stared at his fiancée. "Don't you think that was a bit over the top?" he asked.

"Wouldn't you be pissed if your brother came barging into your room without permission and assuming that you were letting your soon-to-be husband rape you?"

"I don't have a soon-to-be husband, so I wouldn't know."

"But _I _do, and that's what matters!"

"Whatever."

"Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Hn."

She snorted. "C'mon, _honey_, let's go outside and listen to my pathetic little brothers, whom I love very much, stammer out an apology in your intimidating presence."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Gaara knows how to stammer?"

Taking a moment in thought, Temari amended, "Let's watch Kankurou stammer out an apology and Gaara stand off to the side, shifting uncomfortably in your presence."

"Well, _you're _a loving sister," he scoffed.

The blonde grinned. "I know I am."

"I hope you're an even more loving wife, _dearest_."

"Oh, don't worry," she assured Itachi, "I'll be that and _more_."

"You better be," he growled in a low voice. "I didn't propose to you for nothing."

A normal woman would probably have found that statement rude, offensive, and other words that mean the same thing as either rude or offensive, but Temari was no normal woman. Having practically raised her brothers, she knew how a domineering man's mind worked.

Thus, instead of gasping in disgust, she retorted, "Of course you didn't. I totally seduced you with this sexy body!" Grinning foolishly, the blonde ground her hip into his side.

Itachi shoved the girl off. "Stop that. I better go start cooking before they barge in again." The last had been the eleventh time in the past two weeks. The Uchiha seriously thought the two brothers were going for a new world record.

"Hmph," she huffed. "They don't deserve dinner after interrupting our Twister game."

"They were just trying to look out for you."

"Since when did I need looking out for?" Temari inquired, placing her hands on her hips.

Although she made an _extremely_ valid point, being the oh-so-experienced kunoichi that she was, Itachi muttered an incoherent "Since ever" beneath his breath.

Luckily for him, said oh-so-experienced kunoichi did not hear him.

Moving along, oh-so-experienced kunoichi, whose name was just remembered to be Temari, and Itachi walked out of their room and into the hallway to find a pair of flushing, embarrassed brothers.

"Hey," the blonde greeted them.

"Sorry about the intrusion," said Kankurou. "It was a complete misunderstanding."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. That's completely understandable." The two teenagers let out a sigh of relief. "However, what _isn't_ understandable," she continued, "is _why _you were listening through my door."

The brothers' faces grew even redder. Yeah, that's right. Sabaku no Gaara, the infamous Kazekage of the Sand Village, and his intimidating painted brother were blushing.

Quickly recovering from his humiliation, the redhead snarled, "Take a picture. It lasts longer."

With an indifferent shrug, Itachi pulled out a digital camera (a gift from Kisame) and snapped a picture of Kankurou's still-embarrassed expression.

The three siblings all blinked.

"Weasel-kun… He was being sarcastic," Temari said slowly.

He shrugged. "I know. But the opportunity was too good to pass up."

Kankurou glared a glare that almost (almost!) rivaled Itachi's own glare, though it wasn't up to par with Gaara's. "You're evil."

"Not evil," corrected Itachi, "just conniving."

"Muahahaha," laughed Temari. The three males of the four stared. "What?"

"What…the _hell_…was _that_?" asked Gaara.

The blonde grinned. "Evilness always needs an accompanying evil laugh, which Weasel-kun was lacking, so I performed one to make up for it."

The young Kazekage groaned, rubbing his temples, "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"Hey!" exclaimed Kankurou and Temari in unison. Like brother, like sister?

Meanwhile, Itachi just said _very_ intelligently, "Hn."

The kunoichi shook her head at his demonstration of his immense mental capabilities and poked him in the ribs. "New word, Weasel-kun. Get a new word."

"No."

"Thank you!" The blonde dramatically threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

"Hn."

Gaara silently agreed, but he remained silent for fear of Temari's impending anti-'hn' lecture-rant combination. The very thought sent tremors through his spine.

"You okay, Gaara?" she asked when she saw her youngest brother shivering so very lightly.

"H-hn," the redhead stuttered out his usual response. His eyes widened in realization of what he had just done.

"You, too?!" Temari said so shrilly that it came out in a screech. "What the hell is with you guys and 'hn'-ing?!"

The three males flinched.

Suddenly, and rather uncharacteristically, the blond kunoichi flung her arms around Kankurou and held him tightly. "Oh, Kankurou! I'm soo sorry for being so inconsiderate to you when you're the only one who's considerate of my feelings! Thank you, 'Kuro-kun for not 'hn'-ing!"

Meanwhile, in the flurry of hugs, Kankurou was shrinking beneath Itachi's heated glare. Of all people his sister could get engaged to, it had to be the overprotective and highly dangerous one! (Obviously, he hadn't taken a look at himself or Gaara recently, both being overprotective and highly dangerous younger brothers.)

Gaara noticed his older brother's face slowly turning purple—so purple, in fact, that his face paint was getting harder and harder to see. Stealing a glance at Itachi, he saw that the older man was hiding an amused smirk at Kankurou's lack of blood flow.

With a deep sigh, Gaara, feeling at fault for his brother's circulation deficiency since he was the last person who hn-ed, said, "Oi, Temari! You might want to let him go. You can't see his make-up anymore."

Upon looking down to see that one, indeed, could not see the kabuki paint, the blonde released her brother from her death grip and said apologetically, "Sorry."

"It's okay," Kankurou breathily managed between gasps, his face reverting to its normal color.

Itachi frowned at his lost entertainment.

Scratch that—Itachi _glared_ at his lost entertainment. The two brothers shifted uncomfortably underneath the Uchiha's heated gaze.

Finally, deciding that his life wasn't worth a well-cooked meal, Kankurou said, "Gaara and I will just eat dinner at home… because… I left the stove on!" He grabbed his younger brother's hand and ran out of the house.

Temari blinked at the now unoccupied space. "How'd the stove get on? Don't they always come here directly after work?" she asked Itachi.

The ninja shrugged, hiding his evil pleasure in frightening little children. Or, in this case, not-so-little children. Actually, more like teenagers.

Stupid kids… teenagers… whatever those two were. Ah, young adults!

Itachi nodded, pleased with his newfound conclusion.

Temari stared in dazed wonderment as her loving fiancée began nodding at nothing in particular. "You're so weird…" she said, shaking her head.

The 'weird' person in question looked at her curiously. "_I'm_ weird? Have you looked in a mirror recently?"

The blonde smirked. "Yes, actually, because I, unlike others, know the benefits gained from maintaining good personal hygiene."

"What does looking in a mirror have to do with that?"

She shrugged. "No idea, but it sounded cool."

"Idiot."

"Freakzoid."

"Blonde."

"Overgrown, ugly, hairy ferret!" she retorted. No one insults her hair color and gets away with it!

He simply responded with a deft raise of his eyebrow. "Ferret?"

"Aren't those the same things as weasels?"

"Same family. Different genus."

The kunoichi's lips curved to form an 'o' shape. "Oh."

Suddenly hearing a loud crash, the couple poked their heads out of the window to see Kankurou rushing out of the house with his cat-hood on fire and Gaara rushing after him with his sand in an attempt to extinguish the flames.

"Put it out! Put it out!" Temari's younger brother was screaming as he ran down the street.

"Hold still, damn you!" the Kazekage cursed in reply as he followed the larger teen.

"Maybe we should have cooked for them," contemplated Itachi. "I think they lit the stove on fire again."

"Oh, well." Temari flopped onto their couch and let out a deep breath. "I'm bored."

"Hn."

"You're annoying."

"Hn."

"I knew it!!!" She leapt off her perch and onto Itachi's back.

"What…the _hell_." It came out as more of a statement than a question.

"Now, ride! Into the horizon!" the blonde ordered, pointing at some random direction. Directly in the random direction happened to be where the Akatsuki (who are taking part in this fic) were standing.

"Holy shit!" she exclaimed, leaning backwards, which caused Itachi to lean backwards, which caused them to lose balance and fall in a heap on the ground.

Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu snickered while Kisame and Tobi helped the two up.

"Why can't anyone knock?" Temari asked.

"The door was open, yeah," said Deidara. "You're brothers left it that way when they ran out."

The kunoichi began muttering beneath her breath. It had something to do with 'stupid brothers' and 'annoying teammates'.

"I am not annoying, yeah!" Deidara said indignantly. He ignored the looks shared by the other Akatsuki members.

"Believe what you may, but you _all_ are annoying as hell," growled Itachi as he shoved them forcefully out the door.

* * *

"Kisame, I thought you said him having a wife made him more enjoyable to be around," said Kakuzu. 

Kisame just shrugged. "Having a wife has helped his social skills. You just have to look closely and catch him in a good mood."

"Hell, does he even _have _a good mood?" Hidan vocally wondered.

* * *

"Weasel-kun, that wasn't very nice," scolded Temari. 

Itachi just scowled.

"You didn't even let them say 'hi'! How often do you see them in a year?"

"Too often. _Way _too often."

Temari just laughed. "Well, they're gone now. Happy?"

He nodded.

"Weasel-kun…" she trailed off. Clearing her throat, the blond kunoichi began again, "Weasel-kun, we've been engaged for months now. When are we going to actually get married?"

Itachi shrugged. "How about now?"

Temari gaped. "_Now_?"

"Yeah, now. Let's go elope."

She stared some more.

"Anyways," he continued, "I don't like large weddings."

"But—but—"

In the end, they eloped, much to Temari's brother's and the Akatsuki's ire, and lived generally happy lives filled with arguing, shouting, tripping, and watching television. Temari finally learned to cook a decent meal. Gaara, Kankurou, and the Akatsuki members never did learn to knock, which resulted in several injuries. Itachi never got out of the habit of saying 'hn', and Temari never stopped referring to her husband as 'Weasel-kun'.

* * *

**Author's Final _Final _Word to the Readers: **Thank you, once again, to all my wonderful reviewers! It's because of you that I was able to finish this fanfiction. I can't really thank anyone in particular because you all were such great support! So I'll just give a giant **_THANK YOU!!!_** to everyone for simply being awesome. Thanks again, stay cool, and enjoy your summer! 


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